WE FORGOT THE PRESENTS

So, today we drove for a couple hours to get to a family Christmas.

Just as we were pulling into town, my parents realized they forgot to pack the most crucial bag: the bag with all the presents.

It was mostly quiet and cheery before the realization came to my step mom: WE FORGOT THE PRESENTS.

Panic and fear arose on my step mother's face as she frantically babbled some ideas on what to do.
Should we turn around right now and head back to get the presents? ( oh yay...four more hours in the car...joy)
Should we just mail the presents later? (sure we look bad for a bit...but sure)
Should we go to Shopko and buy some presents real fast? (FAIL)

I was sure we would have to drive home to get them.

I mumbled something about Christmas not being all about the presents and that they might understand that we forgot them.

That was kind of acknowledged but then ignored and the talk went back to what on earth we were going to do about the present ordeal. "We need to have some sort of presents!"

My dad said something about dropping us off and then driving back home himself to get the presents. My step mom decided that wasn't a good idea and that it wasn't worth it. So I wiped my brow and gave thanks that we weren't driving all the way back home.

In the end, they decided that dad would go and buy close to what we already got for the family at the local mall...and then just return the gifts we had at home.

oh fun. Dad also needed a volunteer to come along. My step mom was like "me me pick me!" but my dad was like "no no you need to spend time with your family". So I went along the shopping adventure. In the meantime, my step mom would distract the family and not mention that we forgot the presents. My brother and sister would just kinda...chill. I wonder how that went?

So here we are...in a town neither of us really know...trying to find where the mall was. We found it! Huzzah! We get out of the van, run through a bunch of slush and into the mall. We look at the mall map. Games by James! Yay...one present will be found there and on the opposite side of the mall...Bath and Body Works. Ok! We'll find another present there. We go to the stores, buy the presents and head to the walmart to find toys, wrapping paper, scissors and tape. We get a frantic call. "Are you done yet?". No no. Chill out we've only been gone for a half an hour.

Oh no! They did not have the toy we were looking for at walmart....kids like legos right? Can't go wrong with that.

There was no Christmas wrapping paper...the cheap, insanely neon green wrapping paper was the best we could get that was even remotely christmas-y. It was...distracting.

Buy stuff. Run out of walmart. I attempted to wrap the presents in the backseat. I kinda failed and I could only wrap one. We suspiciously parked a block away from the house and my dad helped me wrap the remaining presents.

We finish and drive to the house and pretend as though we just went...to get gas? Then we got distracted by music and food? Lame story, but it's all we had.

Hooray Christmas is saved.

~AM

Christmas...kind of?

This Christmas did not feel like Christmas to me. Everything was just...different than it normally is.

I started off Christmas by watching the "Blackadder Christmas Carol". If you don't know what Blackadder is, well... it's British. It's got Hugh Laurie (Dr. House) in it. It makes me happy.

So I didn't get to sleep till 2ish because I was also listening to some Beatles songs and stuff and I just couldn't sleep. I think too much about...things that I care about.

Anywho, I woke up early-ish and decided to start off Christmas morning with something that couldn't possibly go wrong: a shower.

Then I found out that Mythbusters had a marathon all day. Too bad I don't have the Discovery Channel. roar.

Christmas this year was different because a lot of my family didn't come. They didn't want to risk their lives and drive a lot to see us...which is understandable. That's cool.

For the past...forever, we have always gone to my great aunt's house in Winona for Christmas. For the very first time in the history of forever, that did not happen. Everybody (except my dad who quoted "if it was my decision...we would have just gone!")thought it would be best if we didn't make the trip to Winona. So...SURPRISE! the people who lived in town came over to my house.

The biggest meal was always lunch...but we didn't have anything planned because all the food was kinda in Winona. My dad basically told everyone to just find something to eat before the family all came over. So I found myself enjoying leftover mac n' cheese and pizza rolls for my "big" Christmas lunch. It was delicious.

There was still an hour to kill before people came over so I ended up watching Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series. Enjoyable indeed.

Then people came over...I hid and played the piano in the basement for a while...ate lots of sugar cookies...yep.

Then I went over to another house in town for the other side of the family. We had lasagna. More delicious...but I was sick from eating lots of cookies. Oops.

There was a squabble about who had more pain than who and blah blah blah. Nothing out of the ordinary. Overall it was an unusually alright evening. Nobody cried so....that means it was good.

By the end of the night though I felt very very guilty because sometimes people decide to guilt you about things. Christmas isn't Christmas unless you feel guilty at some point right? :-/

I went to Crazytown though and things went well there. We had a laser party and made fun of people on HGTV.

Overall, today was just weird. That's about all I can say about it.

~AM

Interference

For old time's sake, I'm going to have one of my personalities entertain you...



Why hello there. It's been quite some time since my last public appearance. I, The Werewolf, would like to take a moment and talk to you about something that's been on my mind.

Diabolical plans.

To form the ultimate goal of your diabolical plan is easy; it's the actual planning and carrying out the plans where things get all muddled up. Oh not by me. It's not my fault my plans get all muddled up. I am fully capable of reaching the goal of my diabolical plan. It's just that other people get in the way.

What you say? You're telling me that I should have taken these unforeseen events into account during my planning process? I'm a werewolf....not a seer. These are two different things. One is all hairy, creepy looking and growls and stuff...the other is a werewolf.

Anyways, my diabolical plan is currently underway. Unfortunately, I have hit some road blocks. There are possible ways around these road blocks, but who am I kidding? If you had to choose between two things that were pretty much the same except one was adorable and the other was beautiful, you'd probably pick the beautiful one right?

Anyways, this is a warning to all those who wish to interfere with my diabolical plans: DON'T DO IT. No one interferes with my plans...NO ONE.

You think all this diabolical planning is easy? Well it's not. Especially when people interfere with it. Not only does it mess up your plans, it also makes your self-esteem not so good. You'd think a Werewolf would be able to succeed in the diabolical planning department.

The truth is, I'm all bark with no bite. ahaaaa. Funny saying, I know.

Seriously though, I can't do much about the people interfering with my plans. I just growl in my sleep and shake my paw at them as I helplessly watch my diabolical plan go to ruins.

rrrrrr

~The Werewolf

Well that was fun. I hope to never have to do that again. Hopefully I can keep my personalities in check.

Don't worry I'll have a Christmas issue telling of all the "fun" that ensues.

~AM

We think you're a joke, shove your hope where it don't shine

Some lyrics to some songs are just humourous.

Then they get stuck in your head. You start singing along because it's so darn catchy. People look at you all weird because you listen to not so mainstream music but you're all like "f(SHE SAID A BAD WORD!)you...I like finding quirky music."

I actually look for music. I don't let the radio decide for me what I like.

So go ahead and laugh at my musical tastes. You're just jealous because I have an endless supply of music to make me happy because I have an open mind.

What, did I hurt your feelings? Go cry in a corner and listen to Lady Gaga and whatever else you crazy kids listen to these days.

I had the potential to like Lady Gaga. But I don't. Maybe I can't like her because everyone likes her. I dunno. That, or she just really freaks me out and her songs are repetitive.

Now to use my power (hahahahaha) and supply you with a name of some random unknown artist so that they might one day become famous! Ann Driscoll.

~AM

3 things that bother me

Materialism

Materialistic people get on my nerves at times. I'm a pretty tolerant person, but it just bugs me that people don't get what this life is about. They think everything is about how much stuff they can acquire. They constantly talk about all the stuff that they "need" (in reality, it is most likely a "want" item, not a necessity). They constantly buy stuff all the time because they think that's what they need to be happy. They flaunt the items they have. They buy huge houses. They shut themselves up with all of their stuff and think that they will be happy.

It's not about things. It's about people. You know, human emotion? I don't understand people who don't get that.

Don't get attached to worldly possessions. Is your Ipod or Zune always going to be there in your time of need? What if it's batteries are dead?

All that stuff you're buying, you're just using up the world's resources faster.

Self-Centered People

These are the people who like to believe that the world revolves around them. Everything is about them. You have to do everything according to their schedule. People have to make compromises for them to live a comfortable life. They don't really think about how other people feel in a situation so much. they just do whatever and figure "eh, they'll just have to deal with it". Don't be surprised if these people make promises then fail to keep them without considering your feelings.

For example, usually when you say you're going to meet someone, you have two options right? You actually go see the person or if something comes up, you somehow communicate to them that you can't meet them right? Well for the self centered, there is a third option: never show up and never tell them that you aren't going to. So if you really want to piss someone off, tell them you're definitely going to see them, then don't go and see them because you feel tired, decide not to call the person to tell them that, make them wait for you for a few hours while you go home and sleep, wake up, realize that you didn't go meet this person and then don't call and apologize and just blow it off like it was nothing the next day.

Sorry that was a vent.

Then there are people like me who enable self-centered people to keep being that way and because we care about them so much. :-/

Just remember self-centered people, miraculously there is always someone you are being a major jerk to that still cares about you a lot. That's one dedicated friend.

Ignorance

Don't be ignorant please? I have very little tolerance for ignorant people. Stop judging people so much when you don't know them. Don't try to make everyone just like you. Don't assume. Don't generalize. We're all different. Stop picking apart people. Don't try to fix everyone. Try complementing people for once.

We all judge. I'm not a hypocrite. I try not to though because I know what it's like to be judged. We all know.

Not everyone is going to get along. I know that.

I'm just saying, don't be filled with so much ignorant hate.

That's all.

~AM

Songs you didn't know I liked

One Day I'll Fly Away- Nicole Kidman : this is one of those sappy inspirational sounding songs that I feel weird about liking. It also reminds me of Christmas?

Wake Up Little Susie-The Everly Brothers : This is seriously one of my favorite songs. It's adorable and catchy.

Miss You-The Rolling Stones : what? A Beatles fan liking a Rolling Stones song? BLASPHEMY.

Money Money Money-ABBA : Normally I think ABBA is a little too peppy....but I just wanna tiptoe cheesily about the room to this song like a robber in a silent movie.

Draw the Line-Aerosmith : Bet you didn't know I liked Aerosmith. They aren't always my style...but I love the bass line in this song.

Brass Monkey-Beastie Boys : This is REAL RAP.

Butterfly-Crazy Town : Speaking of rap-like things....

London Bridge-Fergie : Yeah I like me a little Fergie every once and a while....don't judge me.

The Lady is a Tramp-Frank Sinatra : I love his voice.

Jump in the Line-Harry Belafonte : Who doesn't like this song? I bet you don't own the CD like I do though.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love-Queen : I really like this song. Michael Buble had to go and sing it though and ruin it for me. Not a fan of Buble.

Dream Police-Cheap Trick : I'm just a sucker for this song. I don't know why I like it.

The Call of Ktulu-Metallica : Dude, I don't care what kind of band you think Metallica is....I was surprised to find that it was awesome. Give them a chance.

Under the Bridge-Red Hot Chili Peppers : I feel the emotion.

Yep.

~AM

That feeling in your gut

Have you ever had that feeling in your gut?

"What feeling?" you may ask.

Exactly. I don't know.

At the moment I'm not sure what to do. There are two paths that could be taken. "Go with your gut then". Yeah well I don't know what it's saying.

Maybe I'm just hungry?

Pretty sure it's anxiety.

I'm terrified.

~AM

Drinking Game

I am not advocating drinking, but if you need a drinking game, drink every time Conan slaps his hands together during the monologue.

So...go ahead and play this drinking game with the poison of your choice be it wine, beer, milk...whatever.

I don't recommend doing a full shot every time because you'll be dead. 58 shots or so during 8 minutes tends to kill you. Seriously, I never realized how many times he slaps his hands together during the monologue. I am currently a little sick with all the milk I drank. :-/

This game is brought to you by my step brother, "Cruz".

If you wish to continue the game after the monologue, Conan also tends to slap his desk a lot.

~AM

Inglourious Basterds

I must admit, I oddly enjoyed this movie. I felt a little guilty enjoying it. I don't usually like movies like this.

The girl sitting behind me was a little annoying. Throughout the whole thing she kept exclaiming "What movie are we watching!?". I think she was a little offended?

Lt. Aldo Raine = Absolutely hilarious. Every time he spoke I laughed. When he spoke "Italian"... I almost died.

It was also nice to see B.J Novak in the film!

The leading lady of the film was awesome. She just was.

Even though there were some gory parts, some which I flinched a bit at, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.

A lot of the movie is in various languages, subtitled of course. So if you don't like reading subtitles...then this isn't the movie for you.

I can't really describe the movie anymore than this. If you have an open mind and aren't easily offended, it's a really good movie. You should watch it.

~AM

Holding On and Letting Go

July 30th was the day the world ended. Everything came crashing down. 3 years of my life dedicating myself to one cause and one cause only...gone in a flash. I was thrown. I was thrown from the plane I tried so desperately to control. I hit the ground pretty hard. I think I died. When I opened my eyes...I saw that I was hanging off a cliff.

So there I was, hanging onto that cliff. The person who threw me from the plane came to talk to me...but he did not help me. It was not his responsibility anymore. He cared about me. He didn't want me to fall...but he knew, and deep down I knew too, he could not help me and things would not be the same.

For about a month I stayed this way. Dead...but still holding on.

August 26th was the day I lived. I met someone, a curious person. Through my eyes he knew I had a story explaining why I was holding on so tightly to something. He went to the bottom of the cliff and reached out a hand to help me. I didn't understand...how could someone who barely knows me care about me? I couldn't trust him...but I was alive for some reason.

For the next two months he stayed there though. He stayed at the bottom of that cliff with his hand extended, wanting to help me. He called up to me from the bottom of the cliff from time to time. I never answered back.

I dug my fingers deeper into the ledge of the cliff...trying desperately to get back up. I could see my goal...standing right there. He looked at me and smiled slightly, and went about his business. He would not help me. We would talk a bit, make sure the other was okay. He said he was ok...and I wasn't sure whether that was true. I lied and said I was ok...when I was obviously loosing grip on the side of the cliff. Sometimes I told him I wasn't...and he would look at me sadly.

It was almost time for him to move on...for us to be separated.

I told him I still loved him and he grabbed my hand and pulled me up a bit and hugged me. Then he left me there.

I learned how to edge along the cliff and find him so that I could get a glimpse as to what his life was like now. I wanted to be there. I wanted that life again. I would struggle to get up. I would call out to him. Sometimes he would talk back...but from a distance.

Every once and a while I would hear someone at the bottom of the cliff, calling up to me.

October 24th was the day I held on and let go at the same time. The curious person I had met called up to me. On this day, for whatever reason, I decided to answer back. When he spoke again he sounded closer. I looked down and noticed the drop didn't seem as far as it once was. I let one hand go and reached towards him. Perhaps he could help me...but I wasn't going to just let go.

As the days went by the gap between the cliff and the ground was getting smaller and smaller.

Now we come to the most recent days. The drop doesn't seem very far now. He's right there waiting to catch me now. I'm hanging by one hand. I can't bring myself to let go. I look up and I see the goal I once had. I feel disloyal...against everything I believed in for 3 years. He's living his life without me though. I'm starting to realize my goal is unrealistic.

I stare at the side of the wall. I want to let go...but I can't. The "what if's" start to flood my brain.

I look down. Will he catch me when I let go? I have been wondering this all along.

Then I realize that isn't what bothers me the most about him.

Will he still be there after he catches me?

~AM

Je n'arrive pas à me décider

Je n'arrive pas à me décider. Je t'aime, ou Je ne t'aime pas. Je t'aime parce que tue te soucies de moi. Tu m'écoutes. Je voudrais dire "Je t'aime Je t'aime!" à toi. Mais, J'aimais un autre homme. Je ne sais pas. Il ne m'aime pas. Mais toi, Tu m'aimes.

Maintenant Je connais.

Je me décide....Je t'aime beaucoup.

Mais, quels mots Je devrais dire?

~AM

Doubt

"Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision."

Doubt tends to make people think more rationally and irrationally at the same time.

My goal is to get rid of doubt so that I can live in the present.

~AM

Depeche Mode

Being slightly indirect using depeche mode:

Please don't speak, you'll only lie. I don't want you to be someone else for me. There is no space for the regrets; I will remember to forget. It's just a question of time....and it's running out for you. It won't be long until you'll do exactly what they want you to do. I know my kind...what goes on in our minds.

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I die...it's true.

I just hang on, suffer well. Sometimes it's hard, it's hard to tell. There's something wrong with me chemically, something wrong with me inherently. I'm still recovering...still getting over all the suffering.

Peace will come to me.

We're damaged people, drawn together by subtleties that we are not aware of. We're flying high, we're watching the world pass us by. Never want to come down, never want to put my feet back down on the ground. I don't want you to change anything you do. I feel loved.

~AM

Polyphasic Sleep

Today I'm going to educate you. "What are we going to inform us about O knowledgeable little person?" Polyphasic sleep yaaaaay! Oh what? You think it's a boring topic because you've gone over the stages of sleep in psychology a million times and don't want to hear about them again? Well don't worry. This will be just as exciting as an episode of Mythbusters.

Ok I lied...but it's still really interesting. And speaking of Mythbusters...they should totally test this. It sounds like a Tory, Grant and Kari myth to me.

So basically, the idea of polyphasic sleep is training yourself to sleep 20-30 minutes every 6 hours in order to gain more awake time yet feel as though you've had plenty of rest. This happens because once you have succeeded in training yourself to sleep in this manner, your body enters REM each nap you take...so you actually get more REM sleep in the 20-30 segments than if you slept in one segment in the night. Plus hooray you're awake for about 21 hours! Party. Or so the theory goes.

Alright let's back up a little bit. Most human beings sleep in a monophasic manner. That is, they sleep in one long block at a time. Some people sleep in a biphasic manner, with the main sleep block at night and a "siesta" in the afternoon. There are humans who naturally sleep in a polyphasic manner. Say what? Actually, we've all done it. Say what again!? Babies. Babies sleep in segments throughout the day.

The argument goes that parents condition babies to sleep in a monophasic manner...and that's why we sleep that way. Otherwise we would probably continue sleeping like babies do....in a polyphasic manner.

The other side of the argument claims that the brain can't possibly adapt to the multiple nap system. This is because they believe that the best rest is done when you are naturally wakened. It's like...saving data in the night. Your brain processes data in your sleep and if it's interrupted by something say, an alarm clock, you could risk losing that data. What do you need to achieve polyphasic sleeping? An alarm clock. Bye bye data. Critics also argue that, in the long run, there could be problems similar to those that people with sleep deprivation suffer such as decreased mental and physical ability, increased stress and anxiety, and a weakened immune system. Oh noes!

There are 3 different styles of polyphasic sleeping: Everyman, Uberman and Dymaxion.

Everyman is where you sleep a block of 3-4 hours in the night and then take 3 20-30 minute naps during the day.

Uberman involves taking 20 minute naps 6 times a day.

Dymaxion is taking 30 minute naps 4 times a day. It's not clear whether anyone has actually achieved this style of sleeping.

All of these sleeping patterns are very very strict. The first week = absolute HELL apparently too. I can only imagine. Since you haven't trained yourself to get REM sleep during your little naps...you will be pretty sleep deprived until that happens. So...good luck making it through that first week without messing it all up. But what have us insomniacs got to lose? more sleep? hahaaaa.

Actually I'm doing better on the whole insomnia thing.

That's all I'll write about polyphasic sleeping. If you want to hear more, tell me and I'll summarize more stuff on it or you can just google it or something.

~AM

My Mind Has Decided It Doesn't Like Me

I'm not well. Once again, I'm not well.

Even though things are going fine oh I'm not well.

I feel tired all the time yet I'm unable to sleep. The silence only amplifies the thoughts in my head. Day by day the thoughts have been getting louder and louder.

I can no longer repress them. I can no longer tell myself they are a figment of my imagination. My mind doesn't believe me anymore.

I don't understand why, why I must think like this. It just happens. Things may be going swell but I don't feel well.

I go through every scenario...every possible thing that could go wrong. I don't know why. Perhaps my mind wants to be prepared for every situation...to brace itself.

I wonder why I can't just be happy things are going well instead of worrying about what the future may bring.

I want to just be happy and continue to be happy. But no. I worry. I doubt. I become paranoid. My mind thinks too much. I wishes to destroy my happiness.

But then, my mind usually makes a good point most of the time...which doesn't help. I'm afraid it will be mostly right again.

I don't feel motivated to do much. I need a hug or something.

~AM

Bad Omen

Today strange things have occurred.

I am deeply disturbed and do not think they are coincidental.

Bad things are going to happen if we live in this house.

~AM

Power Out

So the power and internet were down for 8 hours. I wrote this on Microsoft word because I was bored.

The power and internet have been down for a little over an hour now. No one knows what happened. I think it’s a conspiracy. It’s a social experiment so they can watch us all suffer.

One thing I do know….my computer has about 10 minutes left of power at the moment….as does my phone. I can’t plug anything in…no power duh!

The heat has been off…the dorm has slowly been getting colder. Went over to the main building…power is out there too. I guess the power is out everywhere? The food places and such are all shut down. Perhaps I won’t have to work.

It will be soon when I have no access to anything but myself and the material things around me. No phone…no internet…no typing my thoughts. I will have to switch to pencil and paper.

At least everybody has an excuse to not do homework?

Everything is so dark…and cold. I have a big flashlight….but I can’t seem to open it to get at the dead batteries within to replace them. I have an itty bitty flashlight.
I wonder what will happen when it gets dark. Maybe I won’t have to work? As you can tell, kinda don’t want to work.

How will people get food?

I started working on acrid grapes again while the power was out…since I can still use Microsoft word.

I think we are all learning a lesson. We are very dependent on electricity and the internet.

I wish I would have charged my phone. I really want to call people.

Oh shit. My fridge runs on electricity. That means there’s nothing cooling it.

SPOILED FOOD. NOOO NOT MY PARMESAN CHEESE. I am rather upset by all of this now. They can take away my phone (for a while), they can take away my internet (for a while) but once you start messing with my parmesan cheese…there shall be hell to pay. I can’t seem to remember what else is in the fridge…I don’t want to look and let all the cold air out. :-/

I was going to do get dinner before I worked…but as I said everything is closed. After I get done working…everything will be closed again. No eatings for me for a while. Sad.

My fingers have an odd numb feeling now…and there’s only 10% power on my computer. Time to curl up and try not to freeze.

-------------------------------------------

I did end up working. It was really dumb.

~AM

Being Tiny

I sneezed so hard I fell off of my chair.

Big gusts of wind push me around. I've fallen down a few times.

Holding an umbrella while it is windy is potentially life threatening to me.

I have to stand on my tip toes to get the fruit loops in the cafeteria...making me look even more like a child.

Too many people have asked me if I was old enough to work a cash register.

Half of my pants are from the children's section. Those pants usually end up being my favorite to my dismay.

My hiccups are really loud and squeaky. I hiccup once every hour too.

I've noticed that my index finger is the size of a lot of people's pinky finger.

Even though I'm closer to the ground...I can't touch my toes.

Even though it's tempting to just do it....you may like to ask me before you try to pick up and swing me around. I realize I'm tiny and light and you want to show that off...but sometimes I have issues with people grabbing me.

My socks are like baby socks. It's ridiculous.

I don't have a tiny voice...it's actually quite low.

I'm not a weak little twig. I'm surprisingly strong.

Because I'm small...I can run fast. But also because I'm small...I can't run fast for very long.

When I sit down in a chair...I can usually swing my legs because they don' touch the floor.

I usually sit on one foot to gain height over tables and desks.

I DO NOT WANT A KIDS MENU....and yet I don't eat a lot.

Usually sunglasses are too big for my little face.

Team t-shirts should come in extra-small. All of my speech shirts are like dresses. A small just doesn't cut it.

I'm glad I wear women's sized shoes. Yay 5 1/2 or 6.

I can't donate blood because I don't weigh enough...and I probably never will.

Why do they put the smaller clothes sizes higher?

~AM

Diabolical Plan

I don't want to get hurt.

But I have this diabolical plan you see.

What is this diabolical plan?

I'm not telling you...part of the diabolical plan is to keep it a secret.

I'm starting to hallucinate things...but it's good. It's not bugs or anything this time.

I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do...but I feel I must pursue this.

It's one of those "you'll never know unless you try" type of things. If I don't try...then I lose an opportunity. I can't afford to do that.

Part of me screams "Don't do it!" and the other part screams "GO!".

One thing I do know, I'm not dealing with anything normal.

I don't want to make a mistake. I'm so fearful that I'll mess up...I think I'm trying to hard.

It's like I set myself up for failure.

~AM

hmm

Have you ever felt a million emotions at once?

Congratulations, you're a woman.

I can't tell you exactly what I'm thinking. Can't put it into words really. I just feel...everything.

Unrelated topic:

I tried to do stuff for halloween. I went to one of the upperclassman dorms to some get-together there. I didn't know anybody though...so I kinda left.

I saw a kinda scary movie. The situation didn't really apply to my life so I think I'll be fine sleeping tonight.

I dressed up as tinkerbell.

I can't wait till winter break.

~AM

Ms. Triss

I kid you not that is the name of a real person that existed. Apparently my french teacher had a teacher in 7th grade named Ms. Triss...and she kinda hated her I guess.

It's sort of halloween here. The faculty are bringing their kids around. They're pretty cute. I'm dressed up as a hippie today. A clean and pretty hippie though.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Only I can figure it out though. I just wanted to let you know I'm confused.

OK

Since it's halloween-ish, I think I shall talk about the Phantom of the Opera. Did you know Andrew Lloyd Weber has written a sequel? Yeah...he did. Guess where the setting is? Perhaps another Opera House? Some neat castle in Europe? Nope. Not even close. The Phantom will be pining away for Christine at...Coney Island. Yes. Coney Island.

Apparently ALW didn't like the ending of the original phantom...so he's been working on a sequel for over 15 years.

One of the statements made on NPR was: "Based on past Lloyd Webber stagings (like the roller-skating Starlight Express), it further seems logical to speculate that there will be a grand production number in which everyone on the stage is driving around in bumper cars. (That prediction is 49 percent serious, plus or minus 2 percent.)"

Wow. I'm not a freak about musicals or anything but...wow. Desperate much?

More Halloweeness. So apparently Target (for a very short time) was selling an alien costume. Not just any ordinary alien costume though...an illegal alien costume. The costume consisted of an alien mask with an orange jumpsuit that said "illegal alien" on the front and a nifty little green card. Target got a little criticism for that....so they pulled it from their site.

FUN FACT: A green card would actually make the alien legal. So....?

That's all I got.

~AM

Happy

I'm happy.

Yes this may come as an abrupt surprise. Usually people gradually work up to the happy thing when they were previously sad.

I don't work that way I guess.

I talked to my dear old friend Spike Jones you see. He just has a way of making me smile. Now I'm happy! Soon Spike Jones and Spud Jr. shall be reunited...and we shall save the world.

So that's the short story of why I'm happy...but the major point of why I am.

I'm gonna talk about that Titanic 100th Anniversary cruise now.

So apparently, there is a cruise line that will set sail and replicate the Titanic's journey. The company who built this cruise...also built the Titanic. They will stop at the exact spot it sank and have a memorial service the exact same day and time in which it sank. Then it will go on and complete the journey the Titanic was supposed to make.

It just seems like they are asking for trouble. Of course they mention to never fear because "the ship will carry enough lifeboats for people if something should go wrong". Well yay.

Now I'm going to talk about Paranormal Activity.

I don't know why....I hate being scared....but I really want to see this movie. I probably won't be able to sleep for weeks. I still have this weird desire to see it nevertheless. Ok...the PREVIEWS freaked me out enough that I couldn't sleep the night I watched that. If I do watch this movie, I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Well I'm going to learn languages now.

~AM

I guess I have something against Disney?

So I had a dream last night. I was deathly ill. So who came to my aid? Dr. House of course. He was actually pretty nice to me.

He put me in this room with this other chick. She was crazy. The whole time she kept trying to kill me because she kept saying something like "you know my secret! you can't tell Dr. House!". She then would run around the room chasing me with a rolling pin. I kept trying to tell her I didn't know what she was talking about and that it would be really bad if she hit me on the head. Then she got me good in the head.

I woke up in my dream and Dr. House was just kinda sitting in this chair at the end of my bed...staring at me. "She hit you pretty good. Luckily I got to you before she bashed your brains out. Even then, you're still lucky to be alive and conscious. The last thing you needed with your condition was a smack in the head."

So then he just sat there and made sure I didn't die in my sleep. How thoughtful.

When I woke up in my dream again, I found myself in a different room. It was really dark except for this window. I was trying to figure out where in the world I was and where Dr. House went when this figure appeared in the window. That crazy chick climbed up the window of whatever room I was in and she was staring at me...rolling pin in hand.

She jumped at me and somehow I crossed her and jumped out the window and slid down a pole. When I got to the bottom, I found myself in a really dark, dreary and pretty sketchy part of a big city. It was also damp. I didn't like that very much. The crazy chick started yelling stuff at me from the window.

At this point I don't remember what all happened in the dream....but the next part I remember was walking down a street with some other chick. It was still dark and cold and sketchy...and we seemed to be walking by a really creepy carnival thing.

"I thought this was supposed to be the happiest place in america" the chick said.
"Well it's not. What can you expect? It's Disney. This place would be a lot better if Pixar made it. Seriously." I replied.

So yeah then I woke up. I don't know what that was all about.

~AM

Writing Class

Sitting in writing class....my mind is elsewhere. Pretty sure no one else is listening to our professor. I catch a point here and there. I try to make it look like I'm paying attention. In a room with only 15 kids.... I feel obligated to do that.

There's a painting of this guy. I don't know who he is....but he's staring at me like I'm the worst person on the earth. I don't know why. He doesn't even know me. There he is though, staring at me like I'm a nobody. It's as if he's saying "Why the hell are you here? You don't belong here." *sigh* Jerk.

There's another painting. "F. Scott Fitzgerald" it says. I decide Fitzy is a better name. Fitzy looks down upon the class like he's the greatest guy who ever lived. He says to us "You wish you were ME don't you?". No actually I don't. Then the jerk guy says "Shut up little girl you don't know anything".

I hear something about the book "The Things They Carried" mentioned. My professor talks about the lieutenant who had his mind elsewhere.

My mind goes elsewhere again. I think of you. I want to write all over the blackboard how much I love you and how much you mean to me still. I want to take a picture of that blackboard and send it to you. You probably wouldn't like that too much.

Fitzy looks at me like I'm the most pathetic person ever. "haha!" he says. "Oh poor child! I bet you wish you were ME! Look how wonderful I am!".

I ignore Fitzy and think about my blackboard plan. I ditch the idea. It does sound a little pathetic.

I look over at my professor but the jerk guy painting is right behind her. I try to listen to what she is saying....but he's staring at me. Judging my every move. Judging my every thought. I want him to stop looking at me. I focus my eyes on the professor. She's still talking on and on about the stories we had to read. I'm not sure what she's getting at. I understand the concept of non-fiction and how it can sorta be made up and blah blah blah.

But that GUY. That PAINTING. It's right behind her. "Pay attention to your studies you worthless girl!" he tells me. I try. He keeps staring at me in that judging way. Condescending.

I look down at my notes and pretend to be writing things down. Anything to avoid his judgmental gaze.

My friend (I think) sitting next to me brushes his arm against mine accidentally as he starts to write something down. For that brief second I felt like I was going to be ok...I had people who cared. Fitzy started to laugh at me. "oh silly child! No one cares about you! You're not important like ME!".

I stare hard at my notes. There's nothing written down really. Maybe a couple of words here and there. There are more dinosaurs on the page. I start to draw a cat eye. That doesn't work out.

I hear something about the story we read and what certain symbols might mean and how we will get to meet the author and that we should ask him questions when we meet him next week.

While listening, I saw that I was still drawing. I drew a roadrunner.

Blackboard.

I stare at my professor and ignore the jerk guy staring from behind her. I try to think about what her life might have been like. She seemed like the type who was a total hippie. I think she still is.

I look back down at the roadrunner I drew. Out of the corner of my eye I see another painting. There's just a guy....reading a book. Couldn't care less about me or anyone else. He just cares about that old book he's reading. He's got a whole stack of books in front of him to read next. He's occupied. He won't bother me.

The professor starts telling us about how she wrote an essay about when she played a guitar on a train for people. She's a hippie.

She finishes the story....it's time for us to go. The jerk looks at me and says "You didn't learn a thing about writing today. You were too busy not paying attention.".

I hate that painting.

I grab my stuff and walk quickly away from him. His cold and uncaring eyes follow me out the door.

~AM

Music is... my enemy

A couple years ago I did an experiment with music. I listened to music that I had refused to listen to for a few years because I was worried about reliving a certain time in my life. I set to prove that I could listen to these songs again with little or no emotional effect. I thought that since it had been a few years...I would be over it and I could happily listen to that lost music again.

However, I found that these songs produced a feeling like...I traveled back in time. I had flashbacks and it was...pretty bad. So I guess I can't listen to Led Zeppelin. Eh...not too much of a loss.

Unfortunately, I have come to another point in my life where I am unable to listen to most of my music because it sets off memories which set off emotions and it's just...not good.

One of my favorite artists has fallen victim to this: Beck. I cannot listen to Beck. I probably can't even listen to any new songs that come out by him because his voice is so distinct. It's really....I want to listen to Beck. I really like his songs. The emotions attached to the songs are close to unbearable though so I am unable to do so.

Other artists who have fallen victim include: Air, Andrew Bird, Arctic Monkeys, Beatles, Coldplay, Death Cab for Cutie, The Decemberists, Elbow, Frank Sinatra, Jack Johnson, Kings of Convenience, Modest Mouse, Of Montreal, Radiohead, Royksopp,Sea Wolf, and White Rabbits to name a few. (I notice a pattern in the ones I listed here...but that pattern breaks once I list pretty much every single artist I've ever liked)

Now, this seriously limits the amount of songs I have left that aren't "dangerous" to listen to.

My top 5 artists are in that group. I am unable to listen to them. Ouch. There goes 30 CDs right there.

Also, judging off of that "experiment" I did a couple years ago, it will be some time before I can listen to any of these artists again...if at all.

I like listening to music...but I'm having trouble finding music to make me happy or to shut my brain up at night so I can go to sleep.

I've been listening to my old choir learning CDs (I'm still limited to what ones are still "safe" there too though) and A Very Potter Musical soundtrack. Sometimes I'll listen to a few of the MPR: The Current "song of the day" podcast songs that I have.

Basically I have to listen to music that doesn't make me feel anything...or a tiny bit happy.

Some nights...I just can't listen to any music. I just have to listen to "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" (which, I'm very surprised I can still listen to) until I fall asleep.

It's dumb and I can't do anything about it. Well..there IS a way in which I would be able to listen to those songs again...but...

Basically I'm screwed. I have to find new music. Then the cycle will probably start again with the new music I find.

I guess this is just another one of those things in your life that you don't realize will be affected by the various changes that happen in your life.

I just have lost a lot of things these past few months.

I was hoping the music would stay to help me through it.

Guess not.

~AM

Sick and Dead

So I keep feeling all sick and such. This morning was just...awful. I was nauseous and dizzy and dead. It felt like someone was punching the crap out of me while some other guy was pouring some sort of mint all over me. I was cold and tingly...I can't even describe to you what amount of pain I was in also.

So in college...you kinda have to just take care of yourself when crap like that happens. Unless you have a REALLY REALLY good friend who just wants to mother everyone.

I learned a lesson today. Hot showers help...but only if you are feeling pretty alright. If you're feeling like crap and that you might pass out...DON'T TAKE A HOT SHOWER. Makes it like 10 times worse.

um...I watched The Hangover. I was expecting better than that...but it was still good.

yep.

~AM

Zen

I bought a zen book today. I've always wanted to. So I did.

~Believe those who are seeking truth. Doubt those who find it.

I like that. I'm going to like this Zen book I think. Perhaps it will help me...and I will be able to sleep better at night.

I read this one somewhere else:

~You can't fall off the floor.

It's so simple. Yet you still find yourself thinking about it and going "huh". You can't really think too much about these things though. You just have to take it in, understand the meaning, and let it go. One shouldn't over-analyze.

I need to learn how to not over-analyze things. That's what makes me go crazy.

~The reverse side has a reverse side.

Yes. Yes it does.

I've been having a lot of... trouble lately. There's really no way to solve it...unless obviously things change. I can't just stop feeling the way I feel and stop thinking the way I think. That's like telling a duck it can't swim and quack and stuff. Maybe under your watchful eye the duck won't do it, but it's gonna start swimming and quacking once you turn your back. Perhaps the duck realizes it's not really getting anywhere in life by all this swimming and quacking at the moment....but that's what he believes he was meant to do. Swim and quack. So he continues to do it. If he keeps doing that, perhaps something good will happen...or maybe something bad. Either way, something happens...and the duck did what he believed he ought to do.

Maybe that was a little out there. It makes sense to me. I tend to come up with obscure, yet oddly pretty good analogies. So I think.

~By daily dying I have come to be.

Yep. Pretty much.

~AM

Pokemon Master

Yes, I probably should be doing my homework....but why?

I guess I'm having one of those moments within one of those days in which I think to myself "now why on earth do I exist?".

Let's start with going to college. I envy the people who have a goal to work towards. They do pre-med because they want to be doctors. They get a teaching license so they can teach. They do dentist-y stuff to be a dentist. They become a music major to do god knows what.

Me? I just like to know a lot of random stuff I guess. I don't think I can for sure tie myself down to a specific area. I know what areas I would never ever go into. I know of some areas that interest me a bit..but not enough to put my whole life into it. I don't really feel any thing that speaks to me and says "THIS IS YOUR PURPOSE"

There's only been one time in my life that I ever felt that way. I realized it at church and all so I thought for sure...but no. But hey life isn't over yet...and I don't give up easily.

So what if that still is my purpose? Well then I'm doing an awfully crappy job at it. Oh you can only guess at what I thought it was and still mostly hopelessly believe it is. Actually you probably can.

You know what? I'm gonna become a pokemon master. I'm going to catch one of the squirrels here and that shall be my companion. I shall battle other trainers and become the champion.

"What did you major in?"
"I'm a pokemon master"
"oh...well you do you have any job experience?"
"I...well...no you see I've been on the road raising these pokemon and such for most of my life"
"Like a dog breeder or something?"
"well...no...I taught them these moves and they used them against other pokemon...and I won"
"like...a dog trainer?"

hmmm maybe a pokemon master isn't such a realistic plan.

But seriously I need some sort of definite goal to work towards. Not just flyby ones that come and go. I'm one of those people who need a realistic goal.

Maybe it's just the whole idea of college that is stressing me out. Why did my parents spend soooo much money for me to come here? To become an important somebody in the workforce...and for the amount of money they are paying that's what should happen.

I just...I don't know. I don't want to be a highly paid important somebody in one specific area. All I ever wanted was....somebody...and then it didn't matter really what I did. I would have been happy.

Now I'm not happy. So I'm trying to find a substitute thing to make me happy...and it isn't really working.

I'm a hopeless romantic sap.

~AM

Dr. House?

Well hey there people who care.

I'm pretty weak. Pretty much took all of my strength to walk to my first class, learn stuff, and walk back. The thing is, the cold or whatever I have hasn't really gotten any worse. I'm still not really coughing...when I do it's just a baby cough. My nose is only stuffy at the "convenient" time of 4am. I'm only nauseous in the morning. My throat isn't sore. I've just noticed my breathing is more stupid and my head feels like it's....lacking feeling? I know it doesn't make any sense. So... I don't know what's wrong with me. My head is swimming now. I feel...not good.

My leg hurts. My back hurts. Why is everything randomly starting to hurt now?

Maybe I have a rare disease or something that only Dr. House can solve. Too bad he's...not real.

I just feel funny.

I also lack control over most of my life....or so I perceive.

a duck in water
he quacks at me which means that
he's laughing at me

little star I see
I wish my life was less dumb
hey thanks little star

I'm done now.

~AM

Suppertime

I don't wanna talk about my life. It's not the way it should be.

So I'm gonna talk about something else.

Here's a happy little song about Suppertime:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mmk4NBFG_MA

Roger Bart wins. I would watch this musical only for him. That's all.

I really wish I had an interesting topic to rant about. I'm not really in the mood. Maybe next time.

~AM

Like Father Like Daughter

I think I'm turning into a more awkward and slightly more chattier version of my dad. I think...that's good?

I've just noticed a lot of similarities of our thinking patterns and such.

It's a little scary.

Conservation photographer? eh? Maybe I could be that? National Parks? National Geographic? Smithsonian? Hello?

I don't know.

I'm just trying to assign purpose and meaning to my life at the moment. The last time I did that...it turned out to be not such a good move though. So maybe I should stop setting up myself to fail and just...do stuff. Goals have never been my forte.

HAIKU TIME!

Refrigerator
It's very sad when it's empty
Let's fill it with noms

YAY HAIKU!

I haven't slept very well the past few days. It's not fun.
I've also been mad. That's not fun either.
I drew a picture of a sheep.



He says BAAA!!!1

I should draw more pictures. I'm trying to fill up my wall with random pictures I like and stuff I draw. So yeah.

I really have nothing more to say. Maybe I'll come up with an interesting topic to rant about later.

~AM

People Are Dumb

This includes myself.

~AM

P.S. People are also disappointing...just like my post for today.

Comforting

Alright...I suppose I should back up to Thursday.

Work. My first day of work. I never realized how much I truly hated beans...or the smell of beans. I really really hate that smell though. I even took a shower after work (I missed The Office for that...but it was a necessary sacrifice) and I still smelled beans on my arms. It was gross. I only have to serve from 5-7. During that time I burn my poor little fingers off because the taco shells are ridiculously hot...and so are the plates. BUT I also have to stay and clean up...which takes another hour. I dunno...I just felt all gross and dirty. I didn't like the clean up process. I didn't want to eat the cafeteria food that night either. I just went back to my dorm and ate there. Even pizza rolls seemed more like food to me. The guy I get to work with is pretty nice though.

Today...I went to target. I got some nifty little shoes that I can only wear if it stops raining. I also got a scarf to fit in with the cool kids.

So in choir today my director was trying to help the altos sing our part. (you know cuz we have the hard part and not just melody like the sopranos)

She walks up to my row to get closer to us and as she was walking past me she kinda just... took my music to use.

So I'm like "oh ok" and just looked on with my neighbor.

After she fixed our part she walked back up to the front...with my music still in her hand.

She tells us all to sing together so I'm like "oh ok" and continue to look on with my neighbor.

She then stops us abruptly and yells "Wait a minute! Why do some of you not have your music!!!???"

So I said "because you took mine". She's all like "What did I do?". So I spoke up a little louder and said "you took mine".

We all laughed and she exclaimed "I should be on some sort of ADD meds or something".

The End.

I'm starting to do things like pretend movie characters are my friends again. It's...probably not cool to be doing that...but it's comforting?

~AM

Zoom

Zoom. Remember that show on PBS?

I hated the kid named Garrett on that show so much I wanted to punch him in the face every time I saw that smug mug of his.

You just knew by his smile he was just a no-good, know-it-all punk who really didn't know anything...about nothin'.

I have nothing else to say that is of use to you.

I'm sad. Now....go away.

~AM

Cabbages and Condoms

I swear to god I'm not making this up.

I was sitting all lonely at the little cafe thing (because my fabulous friend Adley left me!) just doing my homework and blah like a good little college student. I happened to be reading my environmental studies book. It's...a decent textbook. Not too boring.

This particular chapter was about population growth...kinda boring. But ...it had a case study that was anything but boring.

It was titled "Family Planning is Thailand: A Success Story" . Alright...sounds a little cheesy...but I gotta read it.

Turns out it was all about this cafe named..... "Cabbages and Condoms".

That's right, not only does it sell spicy thai food, but it hands out condoms. This entire restaurant is dedicated to birth control.

Oh no it gets better.

So they have an adjoining gift shop. They sell t-shirts. The t-shirts proudly proclaim things like:

"A condom a day keeps the doctor away"

and my personal favorite

"Our food is guaranteed not to cause pregnancy"

Of course the gift shop also sells all sorts of crafts and condoms.

ok ok ok and get this: unintentionally the organization that runs the businesses is called PDA. I kid you not.

It's not over yet.

To promote the whole birth control yay, PDA:
-hands out condoms whenever there are crowds (????)
-held a condom balloon blowing contest for government officials
-teaches children a fun little tune called "Too many children make you poor"
-paints birth control ads on water buffalo (again ????)

Lastly, the guy who kinda started this whole deal, Mechai, is lovingly recognized for his actions. How? The slang for condoms in thailand is "mechais".

dude....the slang for condoms is HIS NAME.

So yeah....good thing I read that early on in the night. Any later and I fear I would have mistaken it for a hallucination.

That is all.

~AM

Crack a lackin'

That's the sound some tree behind my dorm made when it fell. Yeah...a tree fell. There's some mighty strong winds out there right now. I almost blew away.

Friday. I watched Little Miss Sunshine. It's perfect. It's not "OMG BEST MOVIE EVARRRR" but...there's absolutely nothing wrong with it either. huh. But yeah...it ended up being just my roommate and I and the two JC's who watched it. It was cool.

Saturday. Homecoming deal. haha...I cleaned my room and did homework. Screw homecoming. After that I went to see a movie with my fabulous friend and other people. We watched The Proposal. It was alright...for a chick flick. After the movie we went to mr.fabulous' dorm. This particular dorm is known as the "studious dorm". That basically means nerdy people like to live there. Oh my god....I want to live there. They have windows you can sit in and their own closets...it's like a normal two person dorm room. (...I think I need to explain this a bit more...hold on) PLUS....all of my new found friends live there. Seriously. I CAN RELATE TO THESE PEOPLE. Everybody is so nice there and so awesome and I love them. I want to be them. I wanna move there...but I can't. Sad day. Hopefully I can still be friends with them...dorms tend to be friends with people from their own dorm. It just happens.

So I was there chillin' in a couple different people's rooms till 1. Finally....I did something normal college people do. We talked about nerd things. My god it was great. It was also very late but...I wish I lived there. I didn't want to leave I wanted to have friends. I fear that the moment I stepped out of that dorm I lost them because I'm not "one of them". Not my fabulous friend though. He's probably still my friend.

On the way back we ran into a few drunk people. They were all over that night. Homecoming dance. Yeah one of the many reasons why I didn't go.

Ok so my dorm? Rumour is that it was originally just an upperclass, one person per room dorm. Which...totally makes sense because the rooms are tiny and there's only one closet. My dorm is the "friendly people" dorm. Yeah they're friendly....but it seems like they are TOO friendly...and then at the same time not friendly you know? I mean...it's the bad kind of friendly. the friendly that makes you want to be even more antisocial because these people intimidate the hell out of you. It's the friendly that makes you suspicious about whether they are just being nice to you because they have to. Bottom line is, I don't really fit here. I wish I could...

You see the dilemma I am in?

Also...I really miss playing the cello. I need to find a cheap way to be able to play. Roar.

I have a really good analogy on what my life is doing right now but only one person will get it really. eh. Has to do with tetris.

~AM

Creeping Tacos

Usually, I sit up in the 2nd floor, balcony type of thing in the cafeteria. It's easier to creep, I mean uh, people watch. Today I watched this one guy drink 7 drinks (2 OJ, 1 milk, 2 gatorade type things, 2 hot beverages of some sort). I don't know why this guy had 7 drinks. He had this itty bitty plate of food too. It was weird.

I got a job today. I'm going to be at the tortilla station making delicious burritos and tacos for all to enjoy. I have a theme song:

It's dinner on a thursday night... and you want a burriiiiitooooo. You're wondering where to get one...but you don't knoooowww. What will you do? Whoooo will you call?! AM! She's the taco-making maniac. AM! She makes tacos by the light of the mooooon....AM!

oh you thought I would reveal my name? How silly of you.

So yeah...I guess I start next thursday.

I learned something valuable in my textbook yesterday night. "War between Canada and the USA is unthinkable, perhaps not because of their liberal democratic constitutions, but because they are friends." Well thanks really expensive college textbook for that insight.

I got Craig Ferguson's autobiography two days ago. That book...has made me so happy. Seriously. Anybody who describes meeting Dick Cheney as: "I felt a little awkward; I'm always a bit shy around evil people"....gets laughs out of me.

I took a trip down to the wind turbine yesterday. I walked along the Cross Country 4K trail to do that. Needless to say I couldn't walk the entire 4K. Only walked about....1K. Oh fail. There was a squirrel who was really pissed off at me too. I don't know why. I didn't do anything to it. It was one of them "redhead" squirrels though. They have some sort of irish temper I guess.

Speaking of irish people, some irish dude came into my international relations class to talk to us about traveling to ireland. He was really awkward...but his accent was cool.

It rained all day today. It was nice to wake up to...but my pants got soaked walking around in it. Now I don't have any pants because I'm letting them dry. I'm wearing shorts. rrr.

Well I'm going to put away laundry and do homework and other boring stuff I guess. THEN I get to watch Little Miss Sunshine. I don't think you realize how long I've waited to finally see this movie.

~AM

Yes I'm Pathetic and Watch This Show

Glee.

I have a love hate relationship with this show. Actually.... it's mostly hate.

I'm seriously getting pissed off at all of these girls who are using their pregnancies (fake or real) for their own personal, manipulative gains on the men in their lives. I just want to punch them in the face. I feel sorry for the guys...and it makes me have this burning hate for women. I've always kinda had that though. Is it really necessary for this show to reinforce the negative stereotypes I already have? I didn't want this show to have an underlying theme of pregnancy. It makes me ANGRY.

Then the main chick...the one who always wants the solos? I want her to go away and stop talking. She's so full of herself...I can't feel sorry for her anymore.

What happened to the other glee people? They were kinda interesting but they kinda got shoved...not even just out of the spotlight...kind of off the stage really.

Don't even get me started on the football dude. Seriously.

The main teacher guy and the OCD chick? They make me angry. He's all married but OCD chick doesn't seem to care and I know she's gonna ruin everything. I mean, I'm pissed they made teacher dude's wife a bitch and all...but ugh. Something about women stealing men away from other women....it pisses me off. I don't want to watch it.

Something about happy high school people makes me bitter.

So why do I watch this show? 3 words. Kurt and Sue. That's it. I love Kurt. He makes me happy. How couldn't he? Sue is just...she wins. Everything she says just makes my day.

The principle guy isn't half bad either. I watch it for him too.

The musical numbers are a hit or a miss for me. Sometimes they are a little too cheesy for me. I'm lactose intolerant you know...I can only handle so much.

So yeah...I have to endure the main nonsense of the show in order to see the tiny little clips I want to see.

Maybe the show will shape up. I doubt it. I'm guessing I might have to stop watching altogether soon.

~AM

International Relations

This seems to be the only way I can study. I need to distract myself and yet learn at the same time. This has been an issue for me since I got here. Life is making it rather difficult for me to be sane and learn at the same time.

Anyways, if you don't want to learn things in an entertaining way....then don't read on.

Yay international relations is not only about the relations between nation-states...but it also concerns organizations!

Realism-people suck...they are selfish and can never ever be perfect. By now this should seem like common sense because the media likes to show you the awful things we do to one another. The main actors are the states....other things like organizations have to work within the framework of inter-state relations. Everything boils down to human nature. International politics is the struggle for power. globalization makes states interconnected which may make them more dependent on one another.....but states still are sovereign! So take that!

Liberalism-yay idealistic world of happy people. Humans can be perfectible but we need to spread democracy for that to happen! Notice how no two democracies have gone to war? Speaking of war...war is bad. It's not natural. Multinational corporations and international organizations are the main actors in most issue areas....state only gets the stage when they have their own interests in mind. the world is just one big complex bargaining machine. globalization is the end product of world politics. Yay we are all one big cobweb of relations.

Marxist-The world is a system. It's pretty fixed. ummm...other marxist ideas that I still dont' understand. globalization is a sham.

Constructivists- we make and remake the social world because humans are the key! the possibilities for human betterment and progress are endless! World is open to change! You can do anything if you wish for it! Globalization is just a political act so leaders don't have to take responsibility!

GLOBALIZATION GOOD: states aren't closed we are all together, communication goes up, world is homogeneous, economy is interdependent, global culture is developed, time and space collapse...yay.

GLOBALIZATION BAD/NONEXISTENT: it's just a buzzword, a lot of people still haven't made a phone call in their life, non-western values? hello?, drug cartels and terrorists and stuff can operate more easily, it's the latest stage in western imperialism, exploits well off nations....boo.

FUN FACT: Osama Bin Laden didn't like globalization or America...he wanted to stop them both. (hence why he targeted the WTC in the US). So then what does he do? Use airplanes for terrorist attacks, use video to communicate to people around the world, use global financial system to fund operations....does anyone else see a hypocrite here?

I'm going to spare you all the rest of my studying. I have lot more to go over. I'm going to go now.

~AM

Sorry I'm Not Entertaining You

I have other stuff in my life to worry about. Entertaining you is not on my list of priorities right now.

I'm not well. "Maybe you should go see a doctor and they can give you some nice happy pills"

I don't think you understand. Giving someone a pill isn't going to take away what has happened or what is going on. That will always be there regardless.

"But the medicine might make you happy"

See...by saying this the person might take is as "the medicine will make you...not you and that's a good thing. We don't like you right now. You need to be more fun." Yeah thanks.

Perhaps all you want to do is help this person and make their suffering stop though.

In that case, be a friend. Don't be a jerk and shove them away or ignore them or give them some medicine and hope that they will get better on their own. Trust me, being sad and alone doesn't make anyone feel any better.

What if the sad person is pushing you away? It's a defense mechanism. They don't want to hurt anyone else. They don't want to be a bother. I'm telling you though...you need to be there. Let them know they aren't a bother.

Perhaps they are pushing you away because they have trust issues. Perhaps every time they let someone in on their personal life, they end up getting hurt. I don't know what to tell you here. I have no solution for this case.

The best thing to do though....is listen. Try not to "fix" the problem. You can't fix it. Usually no one can fix it because what's been done is done. The sad person just needs to get through the sad somehow...and they need to find someone to help them through it.

Chances are when they finally find a person to help them get through the sad, the cycle will begin again and the sad person will get hurt, yet again, causing more sad.

Such is life.

~AM

Other Me

Why did everything have to happen in under two months?

It's like something is pulling a string on me....unraveling me. Soon I'll be just a heap of tangled string on the ground instead of a nice, stable, blanket.

Everything is just....it's wrong. It shouldn't be this way.

If there's another me living in a parallel universe...living my life only opposite....I want to hurt her because other me must be having the time of her life. She must just have the perfect life ever.

Why can't I be on the nice side? why do I have to be on the crappy side of the universe?

I guess...I'm bitter. Nothing seems to work out for me. It's just...I'm not happy. I can't be.

People have been telling me for a while "it can only get better". Instead, it's gotten worse and worse. Something tells me I'm going to have to hit the lowest of lows ever....before things get better.

I feel like throwing up.

~AM

Home

So I'm home.

I just got done packing most of my life away a few weeks ago. Now I'm back to pack up the rest of it and say goodbye to all familiarity.

I just realized that I really really missed my bed...and my shower...and my entire bathroom in general....my room....my tiger that sticks it's tongue out at everyone...my blankets.

Oh yeah...I guess my family too.

I really missed my cat though. I was worried about leaving her. Turns out I was right. I left...and my cat stopped eating. She stopped coming up the stairs. She's silent...she never meows or anything. She can barely walk. She can't seem to close her eyes and sleep at the moment. She just sits helplessly in her basket most of the time.

I at least got her to drink. Her eyes are clouding over though. God I just cried when I saw her. I tried to put her in my lap so she could rest there...all nice a warm. She just sat on my lap and stared and wouldn't lie down. I pick her up...there's no resistance. She's a rag doll in my arms. She doesn't meow or anything at me. She purred a little...very softly though. She wouldn't even eat a ritz cracker. She loves those things.

What in the world has happened to my cat in the last 2 weeks? Sure she's 18 but...still. She was not like this when I left.

So here I am...home...in my bed...unable to sleep.

You don't understand do you? It's not just a cat. She's my cat.

ah hell who reads this anyways?

~AM

The Lutheran Gangs

Alright. I've been wanting to write about this for a while.

ELCA vs. Missouri Synod

Now, to start off with, both of these groups are Lutheran. So they should get along yay hooray right?

Well...not so much really.

Now you may have heard ELCA in the news lately. They are the Lutherans who allow gay clergy and such. Overall, ELCA is very welcoming and tolerant of GLBT people. Props for them. They haven't really said that being homosexual is an okay way to live...but obviously they haven't said that it isn't okay.

Missouri Synod? Yeah. They aren't exactly cool with that. Missouri Synod Lutherans are against all that because it's against God's will. It says so in the Bible.

Which leads us to the next difference. ELCA is pretty lax with the whole Bible thing. The believe that the ideas God is trying to convey to us are in there...but the Bible isn't WORD FOR WORD OMG TRUE. Basically things that have to do with the history of the time and science...kinda not relevant to now...but the basic concept is in there. Alright let me try to explain this in an example. So...the whole thing with God creating the earth in 7 days...they don't believe it was literally 7 days. God's days could be different than ours. 1 day could have been millions of years. See...ELCA like the whole evolution deal and the earth a is a billion years old and stuff like that. So they incorporated that into their teachings. The Bible doesn't lose any context....God is still behind the creation of the earth.

Missouri Synod gets a little pissy about that. They believe that what is written is all true. There is no error. At all. If God said he created the planet in 7 days then dammit he did. Then there's my personal favorite.... the "women being submissive" passage in the Bible. In the Missouri Synod Church...women can't be pastors. They couldn't even be involved in voting with the church for a long time. Like...just in the last couple decades I think they finally count as a voting member. Women were frowned upon if they had any sort of...dignity really. Women should be spinning wool and making clothes from it or whatever. Forget about a job or a career. Your career is to stay home and make your family happy. Some people are okay with that. Most women are not but they just have to deal I guess. Lately, Missouri Synod has been lightening up a little on that whole "women can't have jobs" thing though...but they still kind of imply that's the way to go.

ELCA are pretty forgiving people. If you don't believe Jesus is what you're really eating...that's okay most people don't. You want an abortion? Well...alright if you really have to. Evolution? hell yeah.

Missouri Synod? Not so much. If you don't believe you're eating Jesus...then you can't really have him and eat him with us so...go away. You want an abortion? No. Evolution? They shouldn't be teaching kids that. Creationism all the way!

So...

Missouri Synod is really conservative and doesn't really like people who think differently.

ELCA pretty much accept everyone....and every religion.... except if you're a non-ELCA Lutheran.

That's just my view on it though.

I was brought up Missouri Synod and was exposed to ELCA throughout my life...and now I'm surrounded by ELCA people.

I'm going to tell you the truth here....I don't associate with either. I'm not...a Lutheran. I'm sorry. I'm not a non-believer atheist who's going to hell. It's hard to explain exactly what I believe and what I am....but I'm closer to a "there's probably SOMETHING but...who knows really?" person who is going to hell.

~AM

Homesickness and Fear of Independence

Are two things I don't have.

Homesickness?...what home?

Fear of Independence? I've been ready to be independent since the age of 3.

I also don't have time.

~AM

Squirrel Cop

http://www.tavres.com/Dave/TAL-SquirrelCop.wma

Listen to it.

Or you can not.

Anyway, today I was social. Hooray! I don't have a job though. Oh no! I tried getting a job as a telemarketer...though they claim it's not. The jobs were all taken though. :-(I can get a job as an assistant to the environmental studies department....yep.I can't save the earth by typing in data...but I guess it's a start.

I went to a GLOW (Gay Lesbian Or Whatever)meeting today. No, I am not gay, lesbian, or whatever. I'm a supporter....and supporters are allowed in the club too. Plus it's a way to be social without worrying about creeper guys stalking you. I guess...it might be girls now who might want to stalk me. Eh...I'll take it as a compliment. It was a lot of fun though. Fun people.

Alright. This is what I'm going to talk about today though:

http://shelleytherepublican.com/2006/04/27/harry-potter-the-hogwarts-express-to-hell.aspx

Oh. My. God.

I don't care if this has been going on since the books first came out. It is still entertaining for me to read stuff like this. The first paragraph just kills me.

Oh yes, children yearn to be good and learn about the wonders of God's glory. Where do they go? The library...which is supposed to be safe and good and full of christian-approved books. Then those damn librarians have to come and expose our children to satan!!!! And to think...they stock those books right next to the beloved Narnia books! The horror of it all!

The little anecdote provided by some kid in Atlanta? Yeah I didn't understand that either. It seems like they left out a few sentences. I didn't understand the connection of witchcraft and depression. "I like the books. Therefore I wanted to see if the spells worked because I'm a kid and I do stuff like that. Then I got depressed for some reason in 7th grade. I mean...no one is depressed at that age!"

Then it goes on to mention that Harry doesn't pray to God when he tries to defeat Voldemort and stuff and that God isn't mentioned at all. Oh no! There's a lot of books that don't mention God. Clifford...Arthur...you know...supposedly kid friendly books. So one could say also that...these lovable books are actually books that are evil and written by satan. I mean come on...there's got to be some witchcraft behind Clifford's enormous size and the fact that Arthur is a talking aardvark.

I don't know what this CAP alert that she mentions is...but I'll be sure to look it up.

blah blah blah it ends with god Bless America.

Fun Fact:

books that have been banned in various places in the USA:
Grapes of Wrath
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Catcher In the Rye
To Kill a Mockingbird
...pretty much a great majority of the books we had to read in High School have been banned in other places.

Also surprisingly, "Julie of the Wolves" is a challenged book. Which, I honestly don't understand at all.

~AM

Can't I Just Major In Super Special Awesome?

I could start off with an attention getter like....startling statistics. Yeah. I'll do that.

1.1 billion people lack access to safe drinking water

by 2025, 75% of the world's need for water will exceed supply for it

There is a layer 3km thick of toxic haze over S. Asia

There are 2 Billion metric tons of pollutants in the air

90% of large predator fish have been removed from the ocean

Every year, Americans, on average, throw away 2 billion tons of disposable razors

Scared yet?

I don't know what point I'm trying to make. I'm just trying to transition into my thoughts as to what I would like to major in. I have been thinking about majoring in Environmental Studies now. Don't laugh...I'm trying to save your planet fools.

The whole teaching deal is up in the air right now. I don't know if that's what I want to do right now. Maybe later in life I'll come back and be a licensed teacher.

But for now...who says I need a license to be able to teach? Maybe I can be one of those little ranger chicks at the National Parks who tells children of the horrors of bear attacks and to not litter and stuff like that. Then by the light of the moon I would go out and save the planet somehow.

This is all hypothetical. It's only the first few days of class and I have 4 years to go. But seriously, if I majored in environmental studies, I could easily major in something else. That's right...double major. I could even triple that offer. Yes. triple major. Or at least...double with a concentration I guess.

It's perfect for an indecisive person like myself.

I don't know what I want to do with my life really though. I once knew. Now I don't. We'll see. It would just be nice to have a realistic goal in my life.

~AM

>:-(

I was originally going to write a rant about stuff that was all entertaining and blah.

Problems in my brain have arisen though.

I'm too acrid to write.

Come back tomorrow.

~AM

Live Long and Prosper

So, I'm thoroughly convinced that what I just viewed was a bootleg version of Star Trek. Sweet.

I don't know if I should mention where I went today...for it might reveal my whereabouts therefore compromising my choice to remain slightly unidentifiable to the general public. Ah....who am I kidding no one is going to stalk me on this thing. I'm not important.

I went to Jesse James Days. I couldn't see the reenactment. I heard a lot of gunshots and horses and stuff. I have 4 years to see it though. I also have the rest of the year to explore the town in which I now currently reside in...when there's less people out and about. The walk back to college....was killer. I am never ever walking into town again. I have a bike. I should...utilize that.

Actually I might still walk back into town. It burns off a lot of calories. You know....I have been eating at least 3x as much as I have been previously eating in my life. I'm on my way to being normal weight if I'm not already woooo!

Seriously. The food is delicious. I feel like such a pig though. I'm not kidding you guys. You wouldn't believe how much I eat. I barely believe it.

~AM

There's Something Lacking

People.

So there was this girl. She wanted to borrow my bike for 10 minutes. Ok sure. Half an hour later she comes back and tells me I can lock it up now. We go up there. Bike is gone. Her friend randomly took it and started to ride it around. Her friend, I've noticed, likes to take bikes that aren't locked up and just...ride them around. She doesn't hurt them or steal them or whatever. She just...likes to ride bikes.

So there was this old guy. He's in my french class. I'm sure he's there to learn and blah blah blah and all...but he's creepy. He stares.

So there was this guy. He's pretty...fabulous.

So there's this girl. No wait...didn't I just see here over there? So there were these twins. They are from kansas. They are interesting. I can't even begin to describe them.

So there with this guy walking around. He had a cowboy hat, a bandanna around his neck, and short-short jean shorts on. Actually, there was a few of those today.

Yeah...then there's me. I keep mostly to myself I guess. I just observe. I'm just...not in the mood to make a whole new set of friends.

And anyways...even though I've met a lot of people here....no one else has really...clicked with me besides my roommate. I'm cool with that though. haha...I've already been a little rejected by people. Maybe I'm just awkward. Oh well. So be it.

College is cool and all. But...there's something missing.

It's you.

~AM

Shock Me Like An Electric Eel

So today I got to go to my two other classes.

My first class for the day was Environmental Studies. So...I've been noticing that lutherans are really clicky. haha...I think word got out that I'm a Missouri Synod Lutheran and not an ELCA Lutheran. More on that later. That rant is for another time I think.

But no...like there were tables that fit 3 people at them. At every table there was either 3 girls or 3 guys. And of course everybody was scandinavian. Then there was this Chinese guy sitting by himself at his table. I felt bad for him. The other white people looked menacing to me so I sat by him. Yeah...I think I'm racist against white people now. I mean they aren't all like that I just...I dunno. huh.

So anyway I sat by him. Turns out he came here directly from Shanghai, China. His name is....Xiang? I think so. He was really nice and it turns out he signed up to be in the party dorm without knowing it. So he really hates going to his dorm and does everything possible to not go there except to sleep and stuff. He kept asking me which dorms were the studious ones. So yeah I talked to a person finally.

Then I learned to never go to lunch right at noon. EVERYBODY WAS THERE.

My storytelling writing class. I. Love. That. Class. My professor is so nice and...it's a storyteller class! What is there not to love!? I think I'm going to enjoy that class a lot. Oh and I met someone who challenges AP's fierceness. He is...fabulous.

Then I did homework for a million hours it seems...and I still have a bit to do tonight...

I signed up to be in GLOW....The Gay Lesbian Or Whatever club. My conservative-minded family members would just LOVE me if they found out about that.

I'm not a lesbian in case you were wondering. I joined it because I care. Plus I got a cool button.

The title...um...the radio station KSTO...they were playing Electric Feel by MGMT and I really like that song...and it's stuck in my head...and I feel happy that they played that song. I went up to them and told them that. They had a giant domo set up too outside...and they were proud of me because I seemed to be the only one who knew what it was. Next year...I will be on KSTO. Next year.

Up until today...I had never had a Klondike Bar. I had one today....I wasn't impressed. So what would I do for a Klondike Bar? Not much. Certainly not pay for one.

~AM

Bathroom Edition

In this special bathroom edition I will post random facts about the bathroom in random places (although I know a certain Mr. Ramp that would argue that I just strategically placed them to make it appear random or something like that).

So the first day of classes went well. I'm a little worried about the work load...but ok.

I use the middle sink when I can because it is 3rd one in either way you go. I like the number 3.

International relations, or, as my textbook likes to call it for reasons I don't care to explain, "World Politics", sounds like an interesting class. I don't like the whole group project thing we have to do later on. It sort of sounded like the Treaty of Paris type of deal we did in AmStuds, only not fun. But my professor, Tony, (yeah he wants us to call him by his first name!) is freaking amazing. Seriously. I think I'm going to like this class.

When going to the bathroom, pick the stall that is next to or a couple away from the corner ones. Just because. If you're just changing, go in the very corners because no one uses those very often because they are all using the one that is next to or a couple away from it...so you don't have to worry about the floor having germs.

French 112. Okay....so I had trouble finding the class today because I wrote down the wrong room number. So I walk all the way down to the basement, and walk into the room that I think is my class. There's this conference table and people with russian textbooks in it. So I'm like "ummm I'm in the wrong class" and slowly backed out. One step. Then the next. Then I walked away really fast. So I had to go look up where my class was and it turns out it's on the top floor. So I run up 3 flights of stairs and make it to class. So...I didn't understand half of what the professor said the whole time. She was all speaking french really fast. It was nice to see that there were other people looking awkwardly around like me because they didn't know what was going on. There's only 15 people in the class though so...it's kinda noticeable that you don't know what's going on unfortunately. There was also this creepy 50 year old dude in my class named Steve or something.

If you're not alone in the bathroom and you're self-conscious about people hearing you pee, try to use the bathroom when someone is in stall number 2. That toilet has a longer flush time than the others which will cover up the sound of you peeing for a decent amount of time.

I have a ton of reading to do already...ew. Tony doesn't even like the "World Politics" book...but I guess it's a necessary evil. We also have to read this book called "The translator" by Monday. That's 200 pages. It's like a humanities book though....it's awesome. I recommend you read it sometime.

I had choir practice today. Nothing happened for us altos really. The end. Oh yeah...I made it into the all-women's choir. I'm an alto 2.

Never ever ever make direct eye contact with anyone in the bathroom. Don't even think about making small talk unless you all are just brushing your teeth.

~AM

Yo all you home dogs out there...um...check it!

I don't know what the kids say these days. The call their rooms "pads" or "chillaxin areas".

So here's my chillaxin area:


The theme is 1920's so this is outside the door. Our pictures are the best.


This is my bed. Say hi to Sir Nigel Shonky up there.


Under the bed. Yummy food.


My desk with all of it's cluttered glory.


Close up of the desk. Yeah...it's a T-Rex. Yeah...that's a banana.


Close up of the top shelf of desk. Things that make me happy.

So yep. That's my side of my chillaxin area. I don't know if my roommate would like me to photograph her area and post it all over. But I can tell you she does have a little christmas tree that we decorated, a superman cape, and a coconut bra.

~AM

um yah yah um yah yah um yah yah (repeat until you die of exhaustion)

Dying of exhaustion is pretty much what I did today. So...here's a rundown.

Wake up. Decided I didn't want to wake up. Debated whether I should go to the language breakfast thing that I was told I should attend. Fall asleep. Wake up. Decide that I should probably go. Arrive late to the breakfast thing. Discover it doesn't matter. Get breakfast as usual. Add a lemon to the tray. Discover sitting on the top floor is neat. Discover I didn't really have to go to the language breakfast after all because it didn't really exist.

Head to the chapel. Listen to some lady talk about registration. Decide that I'm really tired. Zone out. Snap out of it. Figure I should listen to what she's saying. Start to zone out and think about when I'm gonna sleep. Meeting done. Herded off to another meeting in the new science building. I become happy at the fact that this meeting was actually helpful. Meeting done. Herded off to another meeting about the honor code in the old science building. Discover that the professors leave during every test so don't cheat, hold peers accountable...blah blah blah be honest (add in implication that if you do that, God will love you). Break off from herd and skip last meeting.

Killer headache setting in. Figure I should do what I'm supposed to do for my registration meeting with my advisor. Start looking at classes. Head feels like it wants to eat me. Wasn't able to get lunch. Snack on ritz bits and drink some ale...ginger ale that is. Head to advisor meeting. Ends up being a group meeting rather than a one on one deal. Figure out a plan for my schedule.

Leave to go take a dumb test that they assured me wasn't a standardized test. Walk into old science building, head pounding...and pretty much take a standardized writing test. Two hours later after that nonsense and enduring annoying guy next who wouldn't stop talking to all of his buddies....I was done.

I run away, far far away from the writing test that supposedly won't count for or against me in anyway. I thank sociology class for helping me get through both of the writing prompts and head back to my dorm.

I get there. I crash. I can't sleep. I don't know what I did. Hour later dinner was being served. I made sure I went there as quickly as possible after downing some meds to ease my headache. Then I got my food. Food glorioius food. Chocolate pudding...pizza...chicken...salad...cookie....food. I was happy and fat.

Came back to dorm and listened to Wait Wait and music and such. Pretty much almost fell asleep. Looked at my registration card and realized it wasn't mine. Freak out. Can't do anything about it at the moment...being herded. Went to the chapel again to learn the school song and such. JM's is better. No competition there.

Come back to dorm where they are serving rootbeer floats. I search for the girl who has my card because I have hers. She is found! We fix the crises and all is well. Stuff starts to happen in the dorm lounge but my roommate and I are anti-social and we decide to take showers instead since no one is there.

Shower. Done. Online. Registration touch ups. Facebook. Write in blog. Do other stuff.

so yeah.

I hope to get to bed before midnight tonight.

~AM