Holding On and Letting Go

July 30th was the day the world ended. Everything came crashing down. 3 years of my life dedicating myself to one cause and one cause only...gone in a flash. I was thrown. I was thrown from the plane I tried so desperately to control. I hit the ground pretty hard. I think I died. When I opened my eyes...I saw that I was hanging off a cliff.

So there I was, hanging onto that cliff. The person who threw me from the plane came to talk to me...but he did not help me. It was not his responsibility anymore. He cared about me. He didn't want me to fall...but he knew, and deep down I knew too, he could not help me and things would not be the same.

For about a month I stayed this way. Dead...but still holding on.

August 26th was the day I lived. I met someone, a curious person. Through my eyes he knew I had a story explaining why I was holding on so tightly to something. He went to the bottom of the cliff and reached out a hand to help me. I didn't understand...how could someone who barely knows me care about me? I couldn't trust him...but I was alive for some reason.

For the next two months he stayed there though. He stayed at the bottom of that cliff with his hand extended, wanting to help me. He called up to me from the bottom of the cliff from time to time. I never answered back.

I dug my fingers deeper into the ledge of the cliff...trying desperately to get back up. I could see my goal...standing right there. He looked at me and smiled slightly, and went about his business. He would not help me. We would talk a bit, make sure the other was okay. He said he was ok...and I wasn't sure whether that was true. I lied and said I was ok...when I was obviously loosing grip on the side of the cliff. Sometimes I told him I wasn't...and he would look at me sadly.

It was almost time for him to move on...for us to be separated.

I told him I still loved him and he grabbed my hand and pulled me up a bit and hugged me. Then he left me there.

I learned how to edge along the cliff and find him so that I could get a glimpse as to what his life was like now. I wanted to be there. I wanted that life again. I would struggle to get up. I would call out to him. Sometimes he would talk back...but from a distance.

Every once and a while I would hear someone at the bottom of the cliff, calling up to me.

October 24th was the day I held on and let go at the same time. The curious person I had met called up to me. On this day, for whatever reason, I decided to answer back. When he spoke again he sounded closer. I looked down and noticed the drop didn't seem as far as it once was. I let one hand go and reached towards him. Perhaps he could help me...but I wasn't going to just let go.

As the days went by the gap between the cliff and the ground was getting smaller and smaller.

Now we come to the most recent days. The drop doesn't seem very far now. He's right there waiting to catch me now. I'm hanging by one hand. I can't bring myself to let go. I look up and I see the goal I once had. I feel disloyal...against everything I believed in for 3 years. He's living his life without me though. I'm starting to realize my goal is unrealistic.

I stare at the side of the wall. I want to let go...but I can't. The "what if's" start to flood my brain.

I look down. Will he catch me when I let go? I have been wondering this all along.

Then I realize that isn't what bothers me the most about him.

Will he still be there after he catches me?

~AM