Nonexistent Scenario

This is one of those posts I don't advertise to the world. One of those that you have to just stumble across.

No fancy links. Just words this time.

Tonight I had a moment. A moment I haven't had in a while. I felt safe and happy. Content. But of course, then I started thinking again.

The obstacles. The complications. The confusion. That always messes stuff up.

I couldn't remember ever laughing as much as I have in the past couple months. Honestly.

I can't. I can. I'm not ready. I'm letting fear get the best of me. What to do, what to do?

.....it was probably nothing anyways. I'm fretting about a nonexistent scenario.

~AM

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I know I'm not there
I know I'm limited in what I can do for you
I know I'm not the most important person in your life
I still care about you though
I know I'm not someone you really confide in
I know you don't feel what I feel
I don't know how many times I've spoken to you, but you haven't heard me
There are so many things I've said to you
so many sweet things
and you don't know what they are
maybe one day the wind will actually carry the words to you
or perhaps I'll say them to you
not now though
and possibly not ever...
I feel so helpless
I feel so distant from you
I want to be with you
I want to comfort you
I want to laugh with you
I want...anything and everything
You don't know how hard it is
every day without you is more painful than I thought it would ever be
I might sound crazy
creepy
obsessed
I know
I can't control it
I wish you knew how much I really do care about you
how much I think about you
and how I truly feel about you
I'm afraid to say it

~AM

Interference

For old time's sake, I'm going to have one of my personalities entertain you...



Why hello there. It's been quite some time since my last public appearance. I, The Werewolf, would like to take a moment and talk to you about something that's been on my mind.

Diabolical plans.

To form the ultimate goal of your diabolical plan is easy; it's the actual planning and carrying out the plans where things get all muddled up. Oh not by me. It's not my fault my plans get all muddled up. I am fully capable of reaching the goal of my diabolical plan. It's just that other people get in the way.

What you say? You're telling me that I should have taken these unforeseen events into account during my planning process? I'm a werewolf....not a seer. These are two different things. One is all hairy, creepy looking and growls and stuff...the other is a werewolf.

Anyways, my diabolical plan is currently underway. Unfortunately, I have hit some road blocks. There are possible ways around these road blocks, but who am I kidding? If you had to choose between two things that were pretty much the same except one was adorable and the other was beautiful, you'd probably pick the beautiful one right?

Anyways, this is a warning to all those who wish to interfere with my diabolical plans: DON'T DO IT. No one interferes with my plans...NO ONE.

You think all this diabolical planning is easy? Well it's not. Especially when people interfere with it. Not only does it mess up your plans, it also makes your self-esteem not so good. You'd think a Werewolf would be able to succeed in the diabolical planning department.

The truth is, I'm all bark with no bite. ahaaaa. Funny saying, I know.

Seriously though, I can't do much about the people interfering with my plans. I just growl in my sleep and shake my paw at them as I helplessly watch my diabolical plan go to ruins.

rrrrrr

~The Werewolf

Well that was fun. I hope to never have to do that again. Hopefully I can keep my personalities in check.

Don't worry I'll have a Christmas issue telling of all the "fun" that ensues.

~AM

That feeling in your gut

Have you ever had that feeling in your gut?

"What feeling?" you may ask.

Exactly. I don't know.

At the moment I'm not sure what to do. There are two paths that could be taken. "Go with your gut then". Yeah well I don't know what it's saying.

Maybe I'm just hungry?

Pretty sure it's anxiety.

I'm terrified.

~AM

Holding On and Letting Go

July 30th was the day the world ended. Everything came crashing down. 3 years of my life dedicating myself to one cause and one cause only...gone in a flash. I was thrown. I was thrown from the plane I tried so desperately to control. I hit the ground pretty hard. I think I died. When I opened my eyes...I saw that I was hanging off a cliff.

So there I was, hanging onto that cliff. The person who threw me from the plane came to talk to me...but he did not help me. It was not his responsibility anymore. He cared about me. He didn't want me to fall...but he knew, and deep down I knew too, he could not help me and things would not be the same.

For about a month I stayed this way. Dead...but still holding on.

August 26th was the day I lived. I met someone, a curious person. Through my eyes he knew I had a story explaining why I was holding on so tightly to something. He went to the bottom of the cliff and reached out a hand to help me. I didn't understand...how could someone who barely knows me care about me? I couldn't trust him...but I was alive for some reason.

For the next two months he stayed there though. He stayed at the bottom of that cliff with his hand extended, wanting to help me. He called up to me from the bottom of the cliff from time to time. I never answered back.

I dug my fingers deeper into the ledge of the cliff...trying desperately to get back up. I could see my goal...standing right there. He looked at me and smiled slightly, and went about his business. He would not help me. We would talk a bit, make sure the other was okay. He said he was ok...and I wasn't sure whether that was true. I lied and said I was ok...when I was obviously loosing grip on the side of the cliff. Sometimes I told him I wasn't...and he would look at me sadly.

It was almost time for him to move on...for us to be separated.

I told him I still loved him and he grabbed my hand and pulled me up a bit and hugged me. Then he left me there.

I learned how to edge along the cliff and find him so that I could get a glimpse as to what his life was like now. I wanted to be there. I wanted that life again. I would struggle to get up. I would call out to him. Sometimes he would talk back...but from a distance.

Every once and a while I would hear someone at the bottom of the cliff, calling up to me.

October 24th was the day I held on and let go at the same time. The curious person I had met called up to me. On this day, for whatever reason, I decided to answer back. When he spoke again he sounded closer. I looked down and noticed the drop didn't seem as far as it once was. I let one hand go and reached towards him. Perhaps he could help me...but I wasn't going to just let go.

As the days went by the gap between the cliff and the ground was getting smaller and smaller.

Now we come to the most recent days. The drop doesn't seem very far now. He's right there waiting to catch me now. I'm hanging by one hand. I can't bring myself to let go. I look up and I see the goal I once had. I feel disloyal...against everything I believed in for 3 years. He's living his life without me though. I'm starting to realize my goal is unrealistic.

I stare at the side of the wall. I want to let go...but I can't. The "what if's" start to flood my brain.

I look down. Will he catch me when I let go? I have been wondering this all along.

Then I realize that isn't what bothers me the most about him.

Will he still be there after he catches me?

~AM

Je n'arrive pas à me décider

Je n'arrive pas à me décider. Je t'aime, ou Je ne t'aime pas. Je t'aime parce que tue te soucies de moi. Tu m'écoutes. Je voudrais dire "Je t'aime Je t'aime!" à toi. Mais, J'aimais un autre homme. Je ne sais pas. Il ne m'aime pas. Mais toi, Tu m'aimes.

Maintenant Je connais.

Je me décide....Je t'aime beaucoup.

Mais, quels mots Je devrais dire?

~AM

Depeche Mode

Being slightly indirect using depeche mode:

Please don't speak, you'll only lie. I don't want you to be someone else for me. There is no space for the regrets; I will remember to forget. It's just a question of time....and it's running out for you. It won't be long until you'll do exactly what they want you to do. I know my kind...what goes on in our minds.

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I die...it's true.

I just hang on, suffer well. Sometimes it's hard, it's hard to tell. There's something wrong with me chemically, something wrong with me inherently. I'm still recovering...still getting over all the suffering.

Peace will come to me.

We're damaged people, drawn together by subtleties that we are not aware of. We're flying high, we're watching the world pass us by. Never want to come down, never want to put my feet back down on the ground. I don't want you to change anything you do. I feel loved.

~AM

Diabolical Plan

I don't want to get hurt.

But I have this diabolical plan you see.

What is this diabolical plan?

I'm not telling you...part of the diabolical plan is to keep it a secret.

I'm starting to hallucinate things...but it's good. It's not bugs or anything this time.

I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do...but I feel I must pursue this.

It's one of those "you'll never know unless you try" type of things. If I don't try...then I lose an opportunity. I can't afford to do that.

Part of me screams "Don't do it!" and the other part screams "GO!".

One thing I do know, I'm not dealing with anything normal.

I don't want to make a mistake. I'm so fearful that I'll mess up...I think I'm trying to hard.

It's like I set myself up for failure.

~AM

hmm

Have you ever felt a million emotions at once?

Congratulations, you're a woman.

I can't tell you exactly what I'm thinking. Can't put it into words really. I just feel...everything.

Unrelated topic:

I tried to do stuff for halloween. I went to one of the upperclassman dorms to some get-together there. I didn't know anybody though...so I kinda left.

I saw a kinda scary movie. The situation didn't really apply to my life so I think I'll be fine sleeping tonight.

I dressed up as tinkerbell.

I can't wait till winter break.

~AM

Zen

I bought a zen book today. I've always wanted to. So I did.

~Believe those who are seeking truth. Doubt those who find it.

I like that. I'm going to like this Zen book I think. Perhaps it will help me...and I will be able to sleep better at night.

I read this one somewhere else:

~You can't fall off the floor.

It's so simple. Yet you still find yourself thinking about it and going "huh". You can't really think too much about these things though. You just have to take it in, understand the meaning, and let it go. One shouldn't over-analyze.

I need to learn how to not over-analyze things. That's what makes me go crazy.

~The reverse side has a reverse side.

Yes. Yes it does.

I've been having a lot of... trouble lately. There's really no way to solve it...unless obviously things change. I can't just stop feeling the way I feel and stop thinking the way I think. That's like telling a duck it can't swim and quack and stuff. Maybe under your watchful eye the duck won't do it, but it's gonna start swimming and quacking once you turn your back. Perhaps the duck realizes it's not really getting anywhere in life by all this swimming and quacking at the moment....but that's what he believes he was meant to do. Swim and quack. So he continues to do it. If he keeps doing that, perhaps something good will happen...or maybe something bad. Either way, something happens...and the duck did what he believed he ought to do.

Maybe that was a little out there. It makes sense to me. I tend to come up with obscure, yet oddly pretty good analogies. So I think.

~By daily dying I have come to be.

Yep. Pretty much.

~AM