It would be so much easier if....Part 3

 So hey... this took a while to finish up. Also....100th post. Party.

Anyways, it would be so much easier if I liked The Bible. I don't like The Bible. Well okay. I'll be more specific. There are a lot of books in The Bible that kinda suck. Others, like the gospels, are actually alright.

As a whole though, I don't like The Bible.

I think Jesus would forgive me for saying that. I would like to think he didn't care for a majority of the Bible that much. God? He would probably not forgive me. Family? Well let's hope they don't know how to use the internet.

Right. So if you remember from my last post about this, I was in a bible class. In this class, I kinda thought that I would have to do some outside critical thinking because I assumed that it was going to be like sunday school or confirmation where they dodge a lot of questions or give the usual "well...God loves everyone and wants everyone to believe in him" type of answers. I thought they would do to me what I once did to small Vacation Bible School Childen: super brainwashing. To my surprise and relief, the professor I had encouraged critical thinking and criticizing what the Bible said. Dangerous waters for some indeed! Not for me.

What I found in the Bible were truly horrific stories. It's...graphic. There's rape, war, abuse....lots of terrible stuff. Maybe that's old news. For those of you who believe the Bible is the word of god, I invite you to read  Judges 19. Maybe you skipped that part. I don't know WTF god would be trying to convey through that story...but if that is inspired word of some sort of god....I really don't want to be a part of that.

Second of all, the god in the Bible doesn't seem like a cool cat AT ALL. He tells his people that foreigners are bad. He tells his people to go to some lands, kill the native people, and claim it as their own because that's the promised land. Intolerant stuff like that. There are explanations like "oh that whole hating foreigners thing was just so they could preserve their small Israelite culture!" Yeah no. God said no murdering. Then he tells them to go kill people. Right.

If you're looking for writing that is more contradictory than some facebook status updates, then take a look at God in the book of Job. He makes a bet with the Devil (yeah! I know!) to see how far he can push Job before he gets mad and curses God's name. So God does super shitty stuff to Job like...killing all his children and burning his crops and telling Job's wife to jog on. THEN God gets super pissed when Job is all "WTF GOD? Pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong. WHY DID YOU KILL MY ENTIRE FAMILY?!". God's response? "Who in god's name do you think you are? You're not special! pssssh. Don't question me! BAD BOY! You don't know anything....about anything! I think you learned your lesson." Seriously guys. Read Job.

The part that REALLY bothers me...are the passages that could be used to justify horrible things. There's one book where God is portrayed as the husband, and Israel is the wife. God abuses Israel...and the prophet writing it is like "yeah....we deserved it because we were whores. We tried to be friends with foreigners and stuff...and that was bad of us." So God is allowed to punish Israel while claiming "this hurts me more than it does you". Meanwhile, the prophet takes the metaphor too far and applies it to his own marriage. Hooray. That's not the worst part of this book though. The worst part of it is that since people believe these are inspired by the divine, they can go ahead and justify abusing women with those passages. I read articles about abused women where their husbands would point to those specific passages in the Bible to justify their actions...and the women were all like "oh...well I guess if God says it's okay...." NO! GAH! 

Stuff like that bothered me a lot.

What did I like about the Bible? The Gospel of Mark and John. That's where you got the "let's break the social norms and just love everyone!" Jesus.

But then that whole "JESUS WAS SACRIFICED" crap comes into play after that as well as Paul and his LIES. I don't want to get into that.

 Jesus was just a guy who wanted to change the world. Some (probably rich) people thought that being equal was a terrible idea and killed him off.  The end. He's not a sacrifice for anything. He just got killed because he had radical, society changing ideas. That's what happens. Ok, if he WAS a sacrifice....then god is pretty twisted. Um....Abraham being told to sacrifice his son? Anybody?

I also like Proverbs because (are you sitting down?) God is a "she" in that one. Blasphemy! (okay you can stand up again). Revelations has dragons so.... it's automatically cool.

The main reason I don't like The Bible is because...a lot people don't realize what it really is. The Bible is a library, not a book, and since there are many authors (let's be real people...) there are MANY contradictions. So....it just seems silly to try and have a definitive religion based off of it.

These were the truths that were revealed to me.

~AM

It would be so much easier if....Part 2

It would be so much easier if I just accepted whatever various Christian teachers told me without questioning it. That's kinda what I did when during my confirmation classes. Even with things I blatantly disagreed with...I just kinda went along with it. I just...said ok and didn't argue with them.

You want us to believe that some of my friends are going to hell? Whatever. You want us to believe that men and women aren't exactly equal... but they are... but they aren't? What? Whatever. You want us to believe the Bible is entirely the word of God? Sure whatever. You want us to believe we're actually drinking the blood of Jesus and actually eating his body? Yeah ok. Whatever.

It wasn't until the few weeks leading up to my confirmation that I had a realization. Now, this realization wasn't life shattering. Finding out that what age I currently am is NOT the amount of cookies I get to eat was a more life shattering realization.

What I realized was this: I really didn't believe in the teachings of the church. I never really had. What I was doing specifically for confirmation was supposed to help me grow in faith and become a member and blah, but it didn't. I pretty much just did it because...well...people would shun you if you didn't. And my family would NOT be cool about me not being confirmed. So I did it for other people. I went to sunday school because I HAD to. What did I learn in sunday school? Songs that I didn't care for, stories, and the fact that I didn't have friends.

So I got confirmed feeling mighty hypocritical. I then made it my mission to really listen to the sermons and sunday school teachings. I needed to know what the hell I was supposedly a believer of....and question it.

Paying attention to the sermons was probably the worst thing I could have done if wanted to be religious. The sermons, while they mostly started off alright, soon turned in a direction I was not comfortable with.
"God makes tornados and floods and Katrinas happen to good people to remind us who's boss."
"God created man and woman unequally. Our souls are equal, but our roles on earth are different. Man's role is to be the leader. Women must be submissive."
"None of us deserve mercy. We are all sinners because we all come from Adam and Eve. But God, being the merciful God he (ugh patriarchy) is, still forgives us."
"We are being selfish when we don't tell others about Jesus and try to save them. Don't you want your friends to have eternal life?"

It just kept going on and on like that. The more I listened...the more I knew I didn't buy Christianity. I quietly decided it was time for me to stop lying to myself. I wasn't a Christian.

Then I've pretty much told you everything else you need to know about my dissociation with religion in my last post. So, let's fast forward to college.

Now, since I go to a nice lutheran college, it is expected that I take a bible class of sorts. I thought I had a pretty good knowledge base of what was in the Bible. I went to sunday school. I was confirmed. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I purposely took the "Women in the Bible" class...because I knew I didn't know much about that. The Missouri Synod doesn't really care about the women in the Bible.

Now, I didn't go into the class a huge skeptic, nor did I go in expecting to be changed into this fervent believer in Christianity and the Bible's teaching. I went into my religion class kinda hoping that a few questions would be answered and that christianity would be given a more favorable light in my eyes. I already knew I didn't really care for organized religion. But, I was willing to let religion in to my life if it provided a good reason for me to do so.

I thought that finally reading a vast majority of the Bible myself would shed a new light on Christianity. I never expected to be pushed even further away like I was.

My Bible findings in that class are for the final (hopefully) part on this topic though. Just to break it up a bit.

If you have any further questions...go ahead and ask. If you want to debate with me...go ahead. I probably won't really debate back because I'm not trying to convince anybody to think anything. If anything, I'm trying to make you think about what you believe in, and if you really believe it.

~AM

Animal Cracker Induced Thoughts

I'm sitting here. It's late. I'm sitting in my nighttime clothes eating animal crackers in a dimly lit room. It's the time of night that I feel inexplicable rage sometimes. I turn on some Massive Attack and start pondering about life.

I want those damn deer to like me for who I am. To accept me and be my friend. I think that issue extends far beyond the deer though.

I don't care where I live. I don't care what job I have. As long as I can walk in the woods or grasslands somewhere at some point during the day. Nature must be present. Nature is what has always consistently made me the happiest.

Actually, I want to go to Wyoming and stay there for an extended period of time. It's the most beautiful place I have even been to. I would live there but...

distance. I want distance to not be an obstacle for once.

I want to be able to trust people again.

No more brainruin. What I would do to never have my brain destroy another friendship with its paranoid thoughts again...

I want to find someone to love...and have it work out. Doesn't everyone?

I want to be able to stand being alone without internally destroying myself.

I wish all of this anger I had would just go away.

I want to feel free and daring enough to have adventures I've always wanted to have with someone. I want to find the right person to build igloos, see sunsets, tame deer, draw dumb pictures, write silly stories, and go to Chios Greece as well as walk on El Camino Del Rey with me.

I want to see a tornado. Feel it. Fear it. Survive it.

I want a day where plan X can't exist anymore.

I want to be a ninja. A supervillain. A criminal mastermind. I have the potential.

....My head has exploded. Thinking in a coherent manner is not something I can do right now.

~AM

Fear

I've been thinking a bit. I guess that's what tends to happen at this time. I have been living in fear lately. Throughout the year I was getting better at not living that way. I was progressing, taking risks...all that junk. I thank my ninja guide.

Recently I've had a bit of a setback. I've reverted back to living in fear. And so, I've been avoiding things and being stubborn.

I really can't keep running away. I need to get over what I cannot control and move on. I need to trust in someone....something....anything. I must accept that I will get hurt every once and a while.

I'm terrified...but I have to attempt to master that fear. Otherwise I'm not living.

I shouldn't be holding back as much as I am. I made a promise that I would be honest at least to myself.

I just hope I don't go completely mad.

~AM

It would be so much easier if...Part 1

It would be so much easier if I had a definitive label for my beliefs about the world and such. Like...Christian or Agnostic. Anything. Because, you know, we humans like to categorize things and make it all nice and organized so we know who to hate and who to be friends with in an easy and concise manner. *smirk*

In regards to religion, everyone usually has a label for themselves. In my case, I'm not sure what label I should give myself. Actually...I don't think I really want a label.

In this 3 part discussion, I will reveal what I believe, what I really don't care for, and what I don't give a rat's ass about.

I do not believe or care about following an organized religion. I don't think anybody has it right. Religions....tend to do more harm than good. It makes more enemies than friends.

This leads me to church services. Christian church services...I can't take them seriously. I feel awkward and confused when I'm there. I've always felt that way for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's the underlying intolerance that I can always sense. I don't remember when I made the transition from "yeah jonah and the whale is a true story" to "yeah it's probably not" though. That is, when I started being more skeptical towards the plausibility of the teachings. All I know is that I don't buy it and it's...just bizarre to me now. Other religious gatherings I think I would find highly interesting...but I don't think they would totally sell me. I'm just interested in other philosophies on life.

Prayer. When I prayed, it was usually an extension of me talking to myself. There was a time when I prayed and believed something could hear me. Then I would just get pissed when stuff wouldn't go right. So, I would just talk to my cat instead. Talking to my cat, I think, was a much healthier practice.I didn't expect anything from her...I just needed someone to rant to. Then she died. So now I just talk to myself or write. Meh. Wishing every 11:11 is the only thing I practice that's even close to praying anymore. It's...basically the same thing when you look at it. Saying something and wondering if anything is really listening...and if it really matters. Kinda like when I write on this blog.

I'm not sure about the whole afterlife thing. I mean, who can really know? So I don't concern myself with that too much. I'd like to think there's something similar to reincarnation. Something like...there's the same amount of souls present on the earth. When food is scarce, predators who die come back as prey and vice versa when food is abundant thus creating a perpetual balancing soul cycle. The trees that humans destroy become humans themselves. Soon an imbalance of how the souls are distributed will cause the collective soul of the earth to deteriorate as it strives and fails to reach homeostasis...-yeah something like that.

I'll go more in depth on the God in the Bible in the next part of this discussion....but I often wonder...if there is a God, and if it is all powerful, why doesn't it use that power and create a better world? So...obviously I don't think there's an all-powerful God. If there is...well that deity doesn't really give a damn now does it?

I don't believe truth can be found all in one book. Especially if that book is the Bible. You could find some forms of truth in there. I just...don't think the Bible is so great that it needs to be the only way. That's just silly. I believe we find truth within ourselves. We find truth in what we experience and learn. We find truth in various places...and it's up to us to find them and recognize them. Yes, it's not very clear on how that all works. But you know, not everything has to be black and white.

I think that is all I'll write for now. Let the controversy begin.

~AM

***I'm trying to make my blog posts super special awesome ultra special sexy again...kinda like they were before I got emo in the middle there. Yeah...that's why there's tech-savvy (not really) stuff in there all of a sudden***

My Failed Mantra

"Never Give Up" I would always say.

When I was feeling blue about not impressing Scipio way back when....I decided to write these words down on a piece of paper. I kept that paper by my bedside. It's still in the drawer by my bedside table....being preserved as if it was a piece of the original bible.

I followed those words like they were scripture. Something went wrong...I would turn to those three words and tell myself that this wasn't all for nothing. I'd be a winner in the end. I felt that these words were inspired by a higher being. Something up there was trying to tell me something. HA!

2 years later and things did not end well with Scipio and I. Prior to that, I had feared this event. I comforted myself with that stupid piece of paper though. "Never Give Up" it said. I believed it. I tried my hardest to prevent an unpreventable event. After Scipio left...I remembered that idiotic paper. "Never Give Up" it reminded me. So I thought to myself...."hmm...it's a sign. I can win him back!". Yeah...no.

That hasn't worked so well for me.

But that was ok. I had met someone else.

Ninja lead me on though. He really sucked me in with his wonderfulness.

The bracelet he gave me was just as powerful as that piece of paper that had inscribed upon. That bracelet was a reminded that "maybe someday" we would finally be together and that I should "never give up" on that possibility. Oh boy.

I wore that bracelet as if it were some sort of wedding ring. It may sound ridiculous and obsessive....and it kinda was/is (whoops!). I was/am really crazy about that guy. He didn't help. He obviously really cared about me. He wrote to me all the time. We mutually love each other.

Apparently, there was someone else he cared about and loved more than me. I didn't really know about that. It was probably better that I didn't. It was to be expected anyways.

While I was walking around with that pathetic mantra and annoying "undying loyalty" trait of mine, everybody else was being sensible and moving on.

My "never give up" mantra has ruined me. It has given me 4 years of pointless hope.

I think it's time to kill it.

Although, now that I'm looking at it again....there is one thing that is worrying me.

I have just discovered that I have inscribed in very small letters towards the bottom of this holy post-it note the words "....or else".

Dammit.

~AM

I believe in myself

I don't have a religion. That doesn't mean I don't have faith though.

A lot of my family wouldn't really approve of my stance towards God and religion if they knew. They don't know though. I don't really know myself what exactly I believe in. If God is this angry dominating patriarch or if God is Mother Earth...I don't know. I like to see God as Sophia....or wisdom.

The only thing I can truly believe in is myself and what I discover about this world. I have learned a lot. I might just write my own book in my own bible. Blasphemy....to many yes. I don't understand why it's so terrible...but alright. I'm not trying to start a religion...I just want to get some ideas out there. Like Jesus. More Blasphemy.

My loneliness and I are cool with each other now. I realize that I like what my loneliness does to my character. Contrary to popular belief, I do like who I am more than half the time. I guess...I've just accepted the fact that I'm a lonely transient being that few understand. Something like that.

It bothers me that there are a few people I can't hug because it would be socially unacceptable.

I really can't put my thoughts into words so much right now.

"Look at the frequencies at which I vibrate...I'm going to light up the world"

~AM

Doubt

"Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision."

Doubt tends to make people think more rationally and irrationally at the same time.

My goal is to get rid of doubt so that I can live in the present.

~AM

Zen

I bought a zen book today. I've always wanted to. So I did.

~Believe those who are seeking truth. Doubt those who find it.

I like that. I'm going to like this Zen book I think. Perhaps it will help me...and I will be able to sleep better at night.

I read this one somewhere else:

~You can't fall off the floor.

It's so simple. Yet you still find yourself thinking about it and going "huh". You can't really think too much about these things though. You just have to take it in, understand the meaning, and let it go. One shouldn't over-analyze.

I need to learn how to not over-analyze things. That's what makes me go crazy.

~The reverse side has a reverse side.

Yes. Yes it does.

I've been having a lot of... trouble lately. There's really no way to solve it...unless obviously things change. I can't just stop feeling the way I feel and stop thinking the way I think. That's like telling a duck it can't swim and quack and stuff. Maybe under your watchful eye the duck won't do it, but it's gonna start swimming and quacking once you turn your back. Perhaps the duck realizes it's not really getting anywhere in life by all this swimming and quacking at the moment....but that's what he believes he was meant to do. Swim and quack. So he continues to do it. If he keeps doing that, perhaps something good will happen...or maybe something bad. Either way, something happens...and the duck did what he believed he ought to do.

Maybe that was a little out there. It makes sense to me. I tend to come up with obscure, yet oddly pretty good analogies. So I think.

~By daily dying I have come to be.

Yep. Pretty much.

~AM