Minimum Sanity Theater 3000

Since I was ahead of schedule in watching Lost, I decided to watch something insanely stupid this saturday night. I mean, so stupid I was in danger of my head turning into a puddle of pink unusable waste after viewing it.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Yes.

So Gwen Stefani starts singing "Rich Girl". I remember this was a pretty bitchin' song back in the 8th grade.

Oh my god the dogs are talking now. Here we go. I'm also really bothered that one of them is wearing a tutu. *sigh* Oh and there are people wearing bluetooth headsets. We're just 4 minutes into the movie and they've already shown me many bothersome things. It's like they're telling me not to watch this.

The characters:

The main dog: When she's not talking, she has this really annoying hamster bark. She wears ridiculous dog clothes like two-piece swimsuits....and the dreaded dog booties. I guess her name is Chloe. But we have something in common: We hate the niece of her owner...and pretty much everyone else except Delgado.

Niece-Super annoying racist chick. She says things like "Your dog is muy bad! Mucho naughty!" and wears skimpy things.

The other dog that I guess we're supposed to pay attention to: Stereotypical mexican gardener character who is trying to win the love of the leading dog. His name is...Papi

Human Gardener SORRY "Landscaper"-He's Mexican...but speaks ENGLISH!? BUT HOW!? That's about it.

Delgado: The awesome German Shepard- He's just this...awesome dog. Chloe needs a real man like Delgado to take care of her. But Delgado is waaaaaay out of her league because he's so awesome. The end. But yeah, he used to be a police dog and we don't really know why he's not.

Diablo the Doberman: disappointing villain.

So the premise of this movie is that the leading dog's owner's niece has to watch her while the owner is on a business trip. Trouble ensues between the niece and the dog because...they just don't like each other. Then Niece decides she and her friends should go to Mexico. Stuff happens and Chloe is left unattended and she of course gets captured by some dude. She goes to this dog fighting place and meets Delgado. They escape and now Chloe and Delgado must find a way back to Beverly Hills. But the mean dog fight guy sent his big doberman Diablo after Chloe to retrieve her because she's worth money. Niece, stereotypical gardener dog and landscaper pretend to help the plot.

Things that bothered me:
-Dogs walk really stupid when they have booties on. Like...it's distracting. It's like they're not sure WTF is on their feet.
-Dog fights. I was all "This movie is seriously going to have dog fights in it? Seriously?"
-The obviously gay pug named Sebastian that serves no purpose other than to be gay.
-Using the celebration of the Day of the Dead as a lead in for a "knowing one's past" speech.
-*scary looking case* *ominous music* *opens* "Here's... a GPS" *SMACK*
-Niece has the "mariachi band" ringtone. Awkward.
-Nobody seems to notice, I mean NOBODY but the bad guys notice the GIANT diamond collar Chloe is wearing. It's like everyone is saying "ugh! gross! diamonds!" (as they should...but for other reasons that I won't get into today)as they are saying "ugh! a mutt!" and kicking her out.
-The dogs fake bouncing in the jumpy thing at a dog's b-day party. (so many things wrong already) The dogs look like they were being levitated than forced down repeatedly...creating a "bouncing" effect. It just looked really weird.
-side quests involving iguanas and pack rats.
-Giving dogs a bath is NOT a viable activity to force romance between landscaper and Niece. this sickens me. I know it's not blatant....but I KNOW.
-THE BIG REASON WHY DELGADO IS NO LONGER A POLICE DOG IS REVEALED:
(pretty close to actual lines)
Chloe-We've been going in circles!
Delgado-No we're not! How do you know!?
Chloe-Because I tinkled under that tree...
Delgado-You...."TINKLED"?
Chloe-Yeah I....OMG YOU CAN'T SMELL!
-WHAT. THE. F***. So what appeared to be a dust storm was heading towards a cougars vs. Delgado fight....but you know what the dust storm was? A PACK OF LITTLE DOGS. ugh.
-The fact that a bunch of little dogs barking scared away 3 hungry cougars boggles me. I'm sure they were just really super annoyed and that's why they ran away.
-A civilization of Chihuahuas in the ancient Aztec lands? Really? So. Many. Little. Dogs. *sigh* only a half hour left.
-Ahhhh some crazy fundamentalist chihuahua sermon is going on! "NO MAS"(don't ever watch this movie or you'll want to kill me as much as I want to kill me right now for saying that)
-Delgado hamster barked. He did it as a diversion...but still.
-AAAAANNNNNNDDD Chloe roaring like a lion saves the day. *smack* That was so dumb.

Things that I liked:
-Delgado. He's basically like "oh my god...STFU you're SO ANNOYING" half the time.
-The stereotypical gardener dog called Niece "Hannah Montana". It was a cheap shot, but i'll accept it because...it's probably the best I'll get. Actually it's a close tie to his "We're MexiCAN, not mexiCAN'T!" line.
-The Creeper Coyote that was in the movie for 5 seconds.
-Cougars Vs. Delgado
-Delgados constant annoyance with pretty much everything. It really relates to the viewer.
-The other chihuahuas indirectly made fun of Chloe's hamster bark. HA! FAIL!


Bad songs featured:
-No. No. No. "I'm too sexy" is now playing as a bunch of dogs are walking in to play with chloe. No. This is not happening.
-"whoop der it is" (I don't know the actual name or what they're saying)at a dog's B-day party.
-"I can be your hero" I don't even care when this song is used....I hate it. Ok no I'm going to tell you when this idiotic song was used. This little puppy basically tells Chloe that wearing booties are the dumbest thing evar. So at the climax of the song....she takes her last bootie off and throws it away. .....yeah.
-"Low Rider" for Niece, Landscaper, and stereotypical gardener dog riding in a car...looking at a map.
-The dreaded "Chihuahua" song is played as Chloe explores her ancestral home.

The Thrilling conclusion
I'm paraphrasing...but Chloe gets captured by Diablo. Delgado gets his sense of smell back and saves the day. Delgado is a police dog again. Chloe returns. Chloe and stereotypical mexican gardener dog get together. Landscaper and Niece get together for whatever reason. Chloe learns not to be so spoiled. The End.

Final Note: There was an excessive use of the word "Gringo". Should...I be offended? eh.

~AM