Music is... my enemy

A couple years ago I did an experiment with music. I listened to music that I had refused to listen to for a few years because I was worried about reliving a certain time in my life. I set to prove that I could listen to these songs again with little or no emotional effect. I thought that since it had been a few years...I would be over it and I could happily listen to that lost music again.

However, I found that these songs produced a feeling like...I traveled back in time. I had flashbacks and it was...pretty bad. So I guess I can't listen to Led Zeppelin. Eh...not too much of a loss.

Unfortunately, I have come to another point in my life where I am unable to listen to most of my music because it sets off memories which set off emotions and it's just...not good.

One of my favorite artists has fallen victim to this: Beck. I cannot listen to Beck. I probably can't even listen to any new songs that come out by him because his voice is so distinct. It's really....I want to listen to Beck. I really like his songs. The emotions attached to the songs are close to unbearable though so I am unable to do so.

Other artists who have fallen victim include: Air, Andrew Bird, Arctic Monkeys, Beatles, Coldplay, Death Cab for Cutie, The Decemberists, Elbow, Frank Sinatra, Jack Johnson, Kings of Convenience, Modest Mouse, Of Montreal, Radiohead, Royksopp,Sea Wolf, and White Rabbits to name a few. (I notice a pattern in the ones I listed here...but that pattern breaks once I list pretty much every single artist I've ever liked)

Now, this seriously limits the amount of songs I have left that aren't "dangerous" to listen to.

My top 5 artists are in that group. I am unable to listen to them. Ouch. There goes 30 CDs right there.

Also, judging off of that "experiment" I did a couple years ago, it will be some time before I can listen to any of these artists again...if at all.

I like listening to music...but I'm having trouble finding music to make me happy or to shut my brain up at night so I can go to sleep.

I've been listening to my old choir learning CDs (I'm still limited to what ones are still "safe" there too though) and A Very Potter Musical soundtrack. Sometimes I'll listen to a few of the MPR: The Current "song of the day" podcast songs that I have.

Basically I have to listen to music that doesn't make me feel anything...or a tiny bit happy.

Some nights...I just can't listen to any music. I just have to listen to "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" (which, I'm very surprised I can still listen to) until I fall asleep.

It's dumb and I can't do anything about it. Well..there IS a way in which I would be able to listen to those songs again...but...

Basically I'm screwed. I have to find new music. Then the cycle will probably start again with the new music I find.

I guess this is just another one of those things in your life that you don't realize will be affected by the various changes that happen in your life.

I just have lost a lot of things these past few months.

I was hoping the music would stay to help me through it.

Guess not.

~AM