"Never Give Up" I would always say.
When I was feeling blue about not impressing Scipio way back when....I decided to write these words down on a piece of paper. I kept that paper by my bedside. It's still in the drawer by my bedside table....being preserved as if it was a piece of the original bible.
I followed those words like they were scripture. Something went wrong...I would turn to those three words and tell myself that this wasn't all for nothing. I'd be a winner in the end. I felt that these words were inspired by a higher being. Something up there was trying to tell me something. HA!
2 years later and things did not end well with Scipio and I. Prior to that, I had feared this event. I comforted myself with that stupid piece of paper though. "Never Give Up" it said. I believed it. I tried my hardest to prevent an unpreventable event. After Scipio left...I remembered that idiotic paper. "Never Give Up" it reminded me. So I thought to myself...."hmm...it's a sign. I can win him back!". Yeah...no.
That hasn't worked so well for me.
But that was ok. I had met someone else.
Ninja lead me on though. He really sucked me in with his wonderfulness.
The bracelet he gave me was just as powerful as that piece of paper that had inscribed upon. That bracelet was a reminded that "maybe someday" we would finally be together and that I should "never give up" on that possibility. Oh boy.
I wore that bracelet as if it were some sort of wedding ring. It may sound ridiculous and obsessive....and it kinda was/is (whoops!). I was/am really crazy about that guy. He didn't help. He obviously really cared about me. He wrote to me all the time. We mutually love each other.
Apparently, there was someone else he cared about and loved more than me. I didn't really know about that. It was probably better that I didn't. It was to be expected anyways.
While I was walking around with that pathetic mantra and annoying "undying loyalty" trait of mine, everybody else was being sensible and moving on.
My "never give up" mantra has ruined me. It has given me 4 years of pointless hope.
I think it's time to kill it.
Although, now that I'm looking at it again....there is one thing that is worrying me.
I have just discovered that I have inscribed in very small letters towards the bottom of this holy post-it note the words "....or else".
Dammit.
~AM
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I think that never giving up in some circumstances is a really good thing. And relationships do require putting up with shit sometimes but they also require knowing when things are just too shitty. It's a hard line to draw, but I think your ability to stick to those words is not necessarily such a bad thing. It wasn't all for nothing, even if it may seem that way. You know a lot more now, and you know patience and understanding and a lot of things most people don't have.
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