That feeling in your gut

Have you ever had that feeling in your gut?

"What feeling?" you may ask.

Exactly. I don't know.

At the moment I'm not sure what to do. There are two paths that could be taken. "Go with your gut then". Yeah well I don't know what it's saying.

Maybe I'm just hungry?

Pretty sure it's anxiety.

I'm terrified.

~AM

Drinking Game

I am not advocating drinking, but if you need a drinking game, drink every time Conan slaps his hands together during the monologue.

So...go ahead and play this drinking game with the poison of your choice be it wine, beer, milk...whatever.

I don't recommend doing a full shot every time because you'll be dead. 58 shots or so during 8 minutes tends to kill you. Seriously, I never realized how many times he slaps his hands together during the monologue. I am currently a little sick with all the milk I drank. :-/

This game is brought to you by my step brother, "Cruz".

If you wish to continue the game after the monologue, Conan also tends to slap his desk a lot.

~AM

Inglourious Basterds

I must admit, I oddly enjoyed this movie. I felt a little guilty enjoying it. I don't usually like movies like this.

The girl sitting behind me was a little annoying. Throughout the whole thing she kept exclaiming "What movie are we watching!?". I think she was a little offended?

Lt. Aldo Raine = Absolutely hilarious. Every time he spoke I laughed. When he spoke "Italian"... I almost died.

It was also nice to see B.J Novak in the film!

The leading lady of the film was awesome. She just was.

Even though there were some gory parts, some which I flinched a bit at, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.

A lot of the movie is in various languages, subtitled of course. So if you don't like reading subtitles...then this isn't the movie for you.

I can't really describe the movie anymore than this. If you have an open mind and aren't easily offended, it's a really good movie. You should watch it.

~AM

Holding On and Letting Go

July 30th was the day the world ended. Everything came crashing down. 3 years of my life dedicating myself to one cause and one cause only...gone in a flash. I was thrown. I was thrown from the plane I tried so desperately to control. I hit the ground pretty hard. I think I died. When I opened my eyes...I saw that I was hanging off a cliff.

So there I was, hanging onto that cliff. The person who threw me from the plane came to talk to me...but he did not help me. It was not his responsibility anymore. He cared about me. He didn't want me to fall...but he knew, and deep down I knew too, he could not help me and things would not be the same.

For about a month I stayed this way. Dead...but still holding on.

August 26th was the day I lived. I met someone, a curious person. Through my eyes he knew I had a story explaining why I was holding on so tightly to something. He went to the bottom of the cliff and reached out a hand to help me. I didn't understand...how could someone who barely knows me care about me? I couldn't trust him...but I was alive for some reason.

For the next two months he stayed there though. He stayed at the bottom of that cliff with his hand extended, wanting to help me. He called up to me from the bottom of the cliff from time to time. I never answered back.

I dug my fingers deeper into the ledge of the cliff...trying desperately to get back up. I could see my goal...standing right there. He looked at me and smiled slightly, and went about his business. He would not help me. We would talk a bit, make sure the other was okay. He said he was ok...and I wasn't sure whether that was true. I lied and said I was ok...when I was obviously loosing grip on the side of the cliff. Sometimes I told him I wasn't...and he would look at me sadly.

It was almost time for him to move on...for us to be separated.

I told him I still loved him and he grabbed my hand and pulled me up a bit and hugged me. Then he left me there.

I learned how to edge along the cliff and find him so that I could get a glimpse as to what his life was like now. I wanted to be there. I wanted that life again. I would struggle to get up. I would call out to him. Sometimes he would talk back...but from a distance.

Every once and a while I would hear someone at the bottom of the cliff, calling up to me.

October 24th was the day I held on and let go at the same time. The curious person I had met called up to me. On this day, for whatever reason, I decided to answer back. When he spoke again he sounded closer. I looked down and noticed the drop didn't seem as far as it once was. I let one hand go and reached towards him. Perhaps he could help me...but I wasn't going to just let go.

As the days went by the gap between the cliff and the ground was getting smaller and smaller.

Now we come to the most recent days. The drop doesn't seem very far now. He's right there waiting to catch me now. I'm hanging by one hand. I can't bring myself to let go. I look up and I see the goal I once had. I feel disloyal...against everything I believed in for 3 years. He's living his life without me though. I'm starting to realize my goal is unrealistic.

I stare at the side of the wall. I want to let go...but I can't. The "what if's" start to flood my brain.

I look down. Will he catch me when I let go? I have been wondering this all along.

Then I realize that isn't what bothers me the most about him.

Will he still be there after he catches me?

~AM

Je n'arrive pas à me décider

Je n'arrive pas à me décider. Je t'aime, ou Je ne t'aime pas. Je t'aime parce que tue te soucies de moi. Tu m'écoutes. Je voudrais dire "Je t'aime Je t'aime!" à toi. Mais, J'aimais un autre homme. Je ne sais pas. Il ne m'aime pas. Mais toi, Tu m'aimes.

Maintenant Je connais.

Je me décide....Je t'aime beaucoup.

Mais, quels mots Je devrais dire?

~AM

Doubt

"Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision."

Doubt tends to make people think more rationally and irrationally at the same time.

My goal is to get rid of doubt so that I can live in the present.

~AM

Depeche Mode

Being slightly indirect using depeche mode:

Please don't speak, you'll only lie. I don't want you to be someone else for me. There is no space for the regrets; I will remember to forget. It's just a question of time....and it's running out for you. It won't be long until you'll do exactly what they want you to do. I know my kind...what goes on in our minds.

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I die...it's true.

I just hang on, suffer well. Sometimes it's hard, it's hard to tell. There's something wrong with me chemically, something wrong with me inherently. I'm still recovering...still getting over all the suffering.

Peace will come to me.

We're damaged people, drawn together by subtleties that we are not aware of. We're flying high, we're watching the world pass us by. Never want to come down, never want to put my feet back down on the ground. I don't want you to change anything you do. I feel loved.

~AM

Polyphasic Sleep

Today I'm going to educate you. "What are we going to inform us about O knowledgeable little person?" Polyphasic sleep yaaaaay! Oh what? You think it's a boring topic because you've gone over the stages of sleep in psychology a million times and don't want to hear about them again? Well don't worry. This will be just as exciting as an episode of Mythbusters.

Ok I lied...but it's still really interesting. And speaking of Mythbusters...they should totally test this. It sounds like a Tory, Grant and Kari myth to me.

So basically, the idea of polyphasic sleep is training yourself to sleep 20-30 minutes every 6 hours in order to gain more awake time yet feel as though you've had plenty of rest. This happens because once you have succeeded in training yourself to sleep in this manner, your body enters REM each nap you take...so you actually get more REM sleep in the 20-30 segments than if you slept in one segment in the night. Plus hooray you're awake for about 21 hours! Party. Or so the theory goes.

Alright let's back up a little bit. Most human beings sleep in a monophasic manner. That is, they sleep in one long block at a time. Some people sleep in a biphasic manner, with the main sleep block at night and a "siesta" in the afternoon. There are humans who naturally sleep in a polyphasic manner. Say what? Actually, we've all done it. Say what again!? Babies. Babies sleep in segments throughout the day.

The argument goes that parents condition babies to sleep in a monophasic manner...and that's why we sleep that way. Otherwise we would probably continue sleeping like babies do....in a polyphasic manner.

The other side of the argument claims that the brain can't possibly adapt to the multiple nap system. This is because they believe that the best rest is done when you are naturally wakened. It's like...saving data in the night. Your brain processes data in your sleep and if it's interrupted by something say, an alarm clock, you could risk losing that data. What do you need to achieve polyphasic sleeping? An alarm clock. Bye bye data. Critics also argue that, in the long run, there could be problems similar to those that people with sleep deprivation suffer such as decreased mental and physical ability, increased stress and anxiety, and a weakened immune system. Oh noes!

There are 3 different styles of polyphasic sleeping: Everyman, Uberman and Dymaxion.

Everyman is where you sleep a block of 3-4 hours in the night and then take 3 20-30 minute naps during the day.

Uberman involves taking 20 minute naps 6 times a day.

Dymaxion is taking 30 minute naps 4 times a day. It's not clear whether anyone has actually achieved this style of sleeping.

All of these sleeping patterns are very very strict. The first week = absolute HELL apparently too. I can only imagine. Since you haven't trained yourself to get REM sleep during your little naps...you will be pretty sleep deprived until that happens. So...good luck making it through that first week without messing it all up. But what have us insomniacs got to lose? more sleep? hahaaaa.

Actually I'm doing better on the whole insomnia thing.

That's all I'll write about polyphasic sleeping. If you want to hear more, tell me and I'll summarize more stuff on it or you can just google it or something.

~AM

My Mind Has Decided It Doesn't Like Me

I'm not well. Once again, I'm not well.

Even though things are going fine oh I'm not well.

I feel tired all the time yet I'm unable to sleep. The silence only amplifies the thoughts in my head. Day by day the thoughts have been getting louder and louder.

I can no longer repress them. I can no longer tell myself they are a figment of my imagination. My mind doesn't believe me anymore.

I don't understand why, why I must think like this. It just happens. Things may be going swell but I don't feel well.

I go through every scenario...every possible thing that could go wrong. I don't know why. Perhaps my mind wants to be prepared for every situation...to brace itself.

I wonder why I can't just be happy things are going well instead of worrying about what the future may bring.

I want to just be happy and continue to be happy. But no. I worry. I doubt. I become paranoid. My mind thinks too much. I wishes to destroy my happiness.

But then, my mind usually makes a good point most of the time...which doesn't help. I'm afraid it will be mostly right again.

I don't feel motivated to do much. I need a hug or something.

~AM

Bad Omen

Today strange things have occurred.

I am deeply disturbed and do not think they are coincidental.

Bad things are going to happen if we live in this house.

~AM

Power Out

So the power and internet were down for 8 hours. I wrote this on Microsoft word because I was bored.

The power and internet have been down for a little over an hour now. No one knows what happened. I think it’s a conspiracy. It’s a social experiment so they can watch us all suffer.

One thing I do know….my computer has about 10 minutes left of power at the moment….as does my phone. I can’t plug anything in…no power duh!

The heat has been off…the dorm has slowly been getting colder. Went over to the main building…power is out there too. I guess the power is out everywhere? The food places and such are all shut down. Perhaps I won’t have to work.

It will be soon when I have no access to anything but myself and the material things around me. No phone…no internet…no typing my thoughts. I will have to switch to pencil and paper.

At least everybody has an excuse to not do homework?

Everything is so dark…and cold. I have a big flashlight….but I can’t seem to open it to get at the dead batteries within to replace them. I have an itty bitty flashlight.
I wonder what will happen when it gets dark. Maybe I won’t have to work? As you can tell, kinda don’t want to work.

How will people get food?

I started working on acrid grapes again while the power was out…since I can still use Microsoft word.

I think we are all learning a lesson. We are very dependent on electricity and the internet.

I wish I would have charged my phone. I really want to call people.

Oh shit. My fridge runs on electricity. That means there’s nothing cooling it.

SPOILED FOOD. NOOO NOT MY PARMESAN CHEESE. I am rather upset by all of this now. They can take away my phone (for a while), they can take away my internet (for a while) but once you start messing with my parmesan cheese…there shall be hell to pay. I can’t seem to remember what else is in the fridge…I don’t want to look and let all the cold air out. :-/

I was going to do get dinner before I worked…but as I said everything is closed. After I get done working…everything will be closed again. No eatings for me for a while. Sad.

My fingers have an odd numb feeling now…and there’s only 10% power on my computer. Time to curl up and try not to freeze.

-------------------------------------------

I did end up working. It was really dumb.

~AM

Being Tiny

I sneezed so hard I fell off of my chair.

Big gusts of wind push me around. I've fallen down a few times.

Holding an umbrella while it is windy is potentially life threatening to me.

I have to stand on my tip toes to get the fruit loops in the cafeteria...making me look even more like a child.

Too many people have asked me if I was old enough to work a cash register.

Half of my pants are from the children's section. Those pants usually end up being my favorite to my dismay.

My hiccups are really loud and squeaky. I hiccup once every hour too.

I've noticed that my index finger is the size of a lot of people's pinky finger.

Even though I'm closer to the ground...I can't touch my toes.

Even though it's tempting to just do it....you may like to ask me before you try to pick up and swing me around. I realize I'm tiny and light and you want to show that off...but sometimes I have issues with people grabbing me.

My socks are like baby socks. It's ridiculous.

I don't have a tiny voice...it's actually quite low.

I'm not a weak little twig. I'm surprisingly strong.

Because I'm small...I can run fast. But also because I'm small...I can't run fast for very long.

When I sit down in a chair...I can usually swing my legs because they don' touch the floor.

I usually sit on one foot to gain height over tables and desks.

I DO NOT WANT A KIDS MENU....and yet I don't eat a lot.

Usually sunglasses are too big for my little face.

Team t-shirts should come in extra-small. All of my speech shirts are like dresses. A small just doesn't cut it.

I'm glad I wear women's sized shoes. Yay 5 1/2 or 6.

I can't donate blood because I don't weigh enough...and I probably never will.

Why do they put the smaller clothes sizes higher?

~AM

Diabolical Plan

I don't want to get hurt.

But I have this diabolical plan you see.

What is this diabolical plan?

I'm not telling you...part of the diabolical plan is to keep it a secret.

I'm starting to hallucinate things...but it's good. It's not bugs or anything this time.

I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do...but I feel I must pursue this.

It's one of those "you'll never know unless you try" type of things. If I don't try...then I lose an opportunity. I can't afford to do that.

Part of me screams "Don't do it!" and the other part screams "GO!".

One thing I do know, I'm not dealing with anything normal.

I don't want to make a mistake. I'm so fearful that I'll mess up...I think I'm trying to hard.

It's like I set myself up for failure.

~AM

hmm

Have you ever felt a million emotions at once?

Congratulations, you're a woman.

I can't tell you exactly what I'm thinking. Can't put it into words really. I just feel...everything.

Unrelated topic:

I tried to do stuff for halloween. I went to one of the upperclassman dorms to some get-together there. I didn't know anybody though...so I kinda left.

I saw a kinda scary movie. The situation didn't really apply to my life so I think I'll be fine sleeping tonight.

I dressed up as tinkerbell.

I can't wait till winter break.

~AM