It would be so much easier if....Part 2

It would be so much easier if I just accepted whatever various Christian teachers told me without questioning it. That's kinda what I did when during my confirmation classes. Even with things I blatantly disagreed with...I just kinda went along with it. I just...said ok and didn't argue with them.

You want us to believe that some of my friends are going to hell? Whatever. You want us to believe that men and women aren't exactly equal... but they are... but they aren't? What? Whatever. You want us to believe the Bible is entirely the word of God? Sure whatever. You want us to believe we're actually drinking the blood of Jesus and actually eating his body? Yeah ok. Whatever.

It wasn't until the few weeks leading up to my confirmation that I had a realization. Now, this realization wasn't life shattering. Finding out that what age I currently am is NOT the amount of cookies I get to eat was a more life shattering realization.

What I realized was this: I really didn't believe in the teachings of the church. I never really had. What I was doing specifically for confirmation was supposed to help me grow in faith and become a member and blah, but it didn't. I pretty much just did it because...well...people would shun you if you didn't. And my family would NOT be cool about me not being confirmed. So I did it for other people. I went to sunday school because I HAD to. What did I learn in sunday school? Songs that I didn't care for, stories, and the fact that I didn't have friends.

So I got confirmed feeling mighty hypocritical. I then made it my mission to really listen to the sermons and sunday school teachings. I needed to know what the hell I was supposedly a believer of....and question it.

Paying attention to the sermons was probably the worst thing I could have done if wanted to be religious. The sermons, while they mostly started off alright, soon turned in a direction I was not comfortable with.
"God makes tornados and floods and Katrinas happen to good people to remind us who's boss."
"God created man and woman unequally. Our souls are equal, but our roles on earth are different. Man's role is to be the leader. Women must be submissive."
"None of us deserve mercy. We are all sinners because we all come from Adam and Eve. But God, being the merciful God he (ugh patriarchy) is, still forgives us."
"We are being selfish when we don't tell others about Jesus and try to save them. Don't you want your friends to have eternal life?"

It just kept going on and on like that. The more I listened...the more I knew I didn't buy Christianity. I quietly decided it was time for me to stop lying to myself. I wasn't a Christian.

Then I've pretty much told you everything else you need to know about my dissociation with religion in my last post. So, let's fast forward to college.

Now, since I go to a nice lutheran college, it is expected that I take a bible class of sorts. I thought I had a pretty good knowledge base of what was in the Bible. I went to sunday school. I was confirmed. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I purposely took the "Women in the Bible" class...because I knew I didn't know much about that. The Missouri Synod doesn't really care about the women in the Bible.

Now, I didn't go into the class a huge skeptic, nor did I go in expecting to be changed into this fervent believer in Christianity and the Bible's teaching. I went into my religion class kinda hoping that a few questions would be answered and that christianity would be given a more favorable light in my eyes. I already knew I didn't really care for organized religion. But, I was willing to let religion in to my life if it provided a good reason for me to do so.

I thought that finally reading a vast majority of the Bible myself would shed a new light on Christianity. I never expected to be pushed even further away like I was.

My Bible findings in that class are for the final (hopefully) part on this topic though. Just to break it up a bit.

If you have any further questions...go ahead and ask. If you want to debate with me...go ahead. I probably won't really debate back because I'm not trying to convince anybody to think anything. If anything, I'm trying to make you think about what you believe in, and if you really believe it.

~AM

Nonexistent Scenario

This is one of those posts I don't advertise to the world. One of those that you have to just stumble across.

No fancy links. Just words this time.

Tonight I had a moment. A moment I haven't had in a while. I felt safe and happy. Content. But of course, then I started thinking again.

The obstacles. The complications. The confusion. That always messes stuff up.

I couldn't remember ever laughing as much as I have in the past couple months. Honestly.

I can't. I can. I'm not ready. I'm letting fear get the best of me. What to do, what to do?

.....it was probably nothing anyways. I'm fretting about a nonexistent scenario.

~AM

Bending My Poor Distracted-...Mongoose Revolt.

My brain is being really inconveniant at this time. I've started about 5 blog posts...and haven't really finished them because I get easily distracted. Right.

Here's what I wrote about The Last Airbender after viewing it:
***

THIS MOVIE MADE ME ANGRY FOR NO APPARENT REASON. I mean, I was laughing my head off during the movie, but the aftermath...the aftertaste...it has left me with this bitter, acrid, ANGER. And yes, I was playing that video over and over while I wrote this portion.

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! I'll try to focus on the movie.

Now I'm not a hardcore long-time fan...I mean, I DID just start watching this show YESTERDAY. But I think I'm a good enough fan to judge the movie. Within a 24 hour span,I watched the first season all the way through. For that 24 hours, I dedicated my life to this show. The characters. Their world. Everything. It was amazing. I really missed out on something.

The movie kinda destroyed all that. This movie wasn't friendly towards people who had no prior knowledge of the show, as well as those who knew every detail about the show. The reason why was because there was no real attempt to bring their world to life. There was no real character development. It was just...thrown together. Gah and whoever did the editing did a horrible job. Really sloppy. Oh and I'm almost positive they forgot to put in some CGI effects. Either that, or waterbending doesn't involve water.

Characters: THEY PRONOUNCED THE GODDAMN NAMES WRONG. Pretentious bastards. Unacceptable.

I get that there was a time limit for the movie...and there was a whole season to cut down. I just don't understand how you could take so much awesome material and make it so bad. It's just....all messed up.

At least Appa's creepy feet weren't really his feet and just a bunch of dangling kids.

***

Yeah so I was really pissed at that time I guess. I have recently finished watching Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon. I must say....I'm gonna be a little obsessed about it for a while. Honestly guys, I just named my Zune "Zuko". Yeah.

Yeah....that's old news. I know. So I'll write something new.

Hans Zimmer.

So many times I have gone to a movie, been super impressed by the soundtrack, and found out that Hans Zimmer was behind the awesome music. I keep buying these movie soundtracks. I am currently awaiting the arrival of my Inception soundtrack.

FUN FACT: Apparently he wrote the non-lyrical songs of Lion King. He really wanted to go to South Africa and record parts of the song there (yay African Choir stuff!), but the Disney people were like "no you can't go! You're gonna get ****ing killed! Some people there hate you because you wrote the score for Power of One. They kinda took offense to that movie." So he's all "whatever fine" and wins some awards. Something like that.

Seriously though....back to the point of why I brought him up in the first place. The music in Inception made me feel like I could be that badass I always wanted to be. It was just SO COOL. It also gave me another idea for my next Crimson Wolf project. But yeah, it made me realize I need to get on that whole being awesome thing. Maybe I should secretly train in the woods. Yeah.

In conclusion, for a weird German guy, Zimmer can write pretty damn amazing music.

I'll shut up and you listen now.

~AM

Torture Session

Alright. Since I'm bored and angsty....I figured the best thing to do was to read Twilight. I didn't want to go through too much effort to access the books. I won't disclose the method in which I have acquired them. Let's just say I'm fairly certain that what I am reading is the legitimate thing....but you never know. Viruses. Yeah...it's the real deal.

Prologue: Not much intensity. Hunter? Eh. I don't really care. Maybe it's because I associate Bella with Kristen Stewart.

Gossip News I can't keep track of: The Bella chick and the Edward guy are dating in real life? Or maybe not? Cuz she's pregnant maybe? He's all freaked out about that so he dumped her? THE DRAMA.

anyways. Chapter 1. The whole describing what she's wearing reminds me of the worst fanfic. Then I spaced out a bit. "I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face." Because, I call my dad by his first name all the time? Bella you confuse me. I've also noticed Meyers uses random big words like a desperate high school student writing a BS essay uses big words: to appear as though they are smarter than they actually are. UGH. The voice in my head for Bella can't even muster up any sort of emotion. This is excruciating dialog. I feel myself spacing out again. Bella seems overly concerned about her appearance....and quick to judge others appearances. This kid Eric offers to show her to her next class because he has the same class...and she's all "NERR HE'S SO OVER-HELPFUL." And yeah Bella, he's not gonna know you're being sarcastic. You kinda have to know a person to detect that most of the time. Also we can't just tell with you. Oh my god is this book done yet? Yes...the vampire people that you don't know are vampires are superior than normal humans in every way. Hooray. Man. I hate Bella's point of view.

I read the first chapter. I think I get the gist of these books. I don't think I can read anymore. I've seen the movies. That was enough I think. I give up. I fail.

Maybe I'll read the 4th book. I've heard it's really messed up. Sounds like fun.

Let's do that then. Maybe later.

~AM

***Note*** I feel like I have read the first two books anyway via Blogging Twilight.

Animal Cracker Induced Thoughts

I'm sitting here. It's late. I'm sitting in my nighttime clothes eating animal crackers in a dimly lit room. It's the time of night that I feel inexplicable rage sometimes. I turn on some Massive Attack and start pondering about life.

I want those damn deer to like me for who I am. To accept me and be my friend. I think that issue extends far beyond the deer though.

I don't care where I live. I don't care what job I have. As long as I can walk in the woods or grasslands somewhere at some point during the day. Nature must be present. Nature is what has always consistently made me the happiest.

Actually, I want to go to Wyoming and stay there for an extended period of time. It's the most beautiful place I have even been to. I would live there but...

distance. I want distance to not be an obstacle for once.

I want to be able to trust people again.

No more brainruin. What I would do to never have my brain destroy another friendship with its paranoid thoughts again...

I want to find someone to love...and have it work out. Doesn't everyone?

I want to be able to stand being alone without internally destroying myself.

I wish all of this anger I had would just go away.

I want to feel free and daring enough to have adventures I've always wanted to have with someone. I want to find the right person to build igloos, see sunsets, tame deer, draw dumb pictures, write silly stories, and go to Chios Greece as well as walk on El Camino Del Rey with me.

I want to see a tornado. Feel it. Fear it. Survive it.

I want a day where plan X can't exist anymore.

I want to be a ninja. A supervillain. A criminal mastermind. I have the potential.

....My head has exploded. Thinking in a coherent manner is not something I can do right now.

~AM

Fear

I've been thinking a bit. I guess that's what tends to happen at this time. I have been living in fear lately. Throughout the year I was getting better at not living that way. I was progressing, taking risks...all that junk. I thank my ninja guide.

Recently I've had a bit of a setback. I've reverted back to living in fear. And so, I've been avoiding things and being stubborn.

I really can't keep running away. I need to get over what I cannot control and move on. I need to trust in someone....something....anything. I must accept that I will get hurt every once and a while.

I'm terrified...but I have to attempt to master that fear. Otherwise I'm not living.

I shouldn't be holding back as much as I am. I made a promise that I would be honest at least to myself.

I just hope I don't go completely mad.

~AM