It would be so much easier if...Part 1

It would be so much easier if I had a definitive label for my beliefs about the world and such. Like...Christian or Agnostic. Anything. Because, you know, we humans like to categorize things and make it all nice and organized so we know who to hate and who to be friends with in an easy and concise manner. *smirk*

In regards to religion, everyone usually has a label for themselves. In my case, I'm not sure what label I should give myself. Actually...I don't think I really want a label.

In this 3 part discussion, I will reveal what I believe, what I really don't care for, and what I don't give a rat's ass about.

I do not believe or care about following an organized religion. I don't think anybody has it right. Religions....tend to do more harm than good. It makes more enemies than friends.

This leads me to church services. Christian church services...I can't take them seriously. I feel awkward and confused when I'm there. I've always felt that way for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's the underlying intolerance that I can always sense. I don't remember when I made the transition from "yeah jonah and the whale is a true story" to "yeah it's probably not" though. That is, when I started being more skeptical towards the plausibility of the teachings. All I know is that I don't buy it and it's...just bizarre to me now. Other religious gatherings I think I would find highly interesting...but I don't think they would totally sell me. I'm just interested in other philosophies on life.

Prayer. When I prayed, it was usually an extension of me talking to myself. There was a time when I prayed and believed something could hear me. Then I would just get pissed when stuff wouldn't go right. So, I would just talk to my cat instead. Talking to my cat, I think, was a much healthier practice.I didn't expect anything from her...I just needed someone to rant to. Then she died. So now I just talk to myself or write. Meh. Wishing every 11:11 is the only thing I practice that's even close to praying anymore. It's...basically the same thing when you look at it. Saying something and wondering if anything is really listening...and if it really matters. Kinda like when I write on this blog.

I'm not sure about the whole afterlife thing. I mean, who can really know? So I don't concern myself with that too much. I'd like to think there's something similar to reincarnation. Something like...there's the same amount of souls present on the earth. When food is scarce, predators who die come back as prey and vice versa when food is abundant thus creating a perpetual balancing soul cycle. The trees that humans destroy become humans themselves. Soon an imbalance of how the souls are distributed will cause the collective soul of the earth to deteriorate as it strives and fails to reach homeostasis...-yeah something like that.

I'll go more in depth on the God in the Bible in the next part of this discussion....but I often wonder...if there is a God, and if it is all powerful, why doesn't it use that power and create a better world? So...obviously I don't think there's an all-powerful God. If there is...well that deity doesn't really give a damn now does it?

I don't believe truth can be found all in one book. Especially if that book is the Bible. You could find some forms of truth in there. I just...don't think the Bible is so great that it needs to be the only way. That's just silly. I believe we find truth within ourselves. We find truth in what we experience and learn. We find truth in various places...and it's up to us to find them and recognize them. Yes, it's not very clear on how that all works. But you know, not everything has to be black and white.

I think that is all I'll write for now. Let the controversy begin.

~AM

***I'm trying to make my blog posts super special awesome ultra special sexy again...kinda like they were before I got emo in the middle there. Yeah...that's why there's tech-savvy (not really) stuff in there all of a sudden***

Haze

What wondrous weathery things are happening this summer!

Except nothing has really happened at my house. BUT THE POTENTIAL IS THERE. ha.

Yesterday there was this odd smoke in my neighborhood. I was all "oh people are burning stuff." I continued getting ready to go to my mom's house and didn't think much of it. I stepped outside and I was greeted by the smell my oven has when you turn it on. Which is kinda like gas. I did not approve of this smell. I then freaked out a little ran to my car holding my breath and everything. I was confused by the smoke that smelled like gas. I drove away from my neighborhood. Goodbye suckers.

I turned onto (insert name of road here) and was all driving and stuff. As I came to the top of the hill that overlooked the city....I saw that the whole town was engulfed in this creepy, odd smelling haze. "HOLY SHIT" I said as well as "F**K" (that's what it sounded like....fuhstarstarkay)and panicked a little. WE WERE ALL GOING TO DIE. SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO KILL US ALL. Or so I thought.

I drove through the weird haze suffocating in my car because I refused to turn on the air (the air that comes out of the air conditioner comes from outside you know!). I made it to my mom's house, ran from my car to the house while holding my breath, and brought up the interwebs.

DAMN YOU (insert local news here)! They didn't have any information on the odd smelling haze. My lungs started to hurt. I was DYING! Or just having an unnecessary panic attack. Either way I was DYING. DIDN'T THE NEWS KNOW ABOUT THE POTENTIAL HEALTH HAZARD OUTSIDE!?

Eh after about an hour the website updated and told the people that there was nothing to fear. It was just smoke from Canada. The odd smell? They didn't know. That's just how Canadian smoke smells I guess.

So...I didn't die.

~AM

2010, The year with a summer.

There is something that is currently throwing me into a fit of giggles. I refuse to tell you what. But let me just say....SHIT I forgot how hilarious this stuff is. (Sorry if there are sensitive readers out there...but it's time to face the facts. Swear words work great to get certain points across. I use them, not excessively, but wisely.) No more details. I just wanted you to know that I do, in fact, have a soul.

Let's talk about the summertime. In my past experiences, summertime is a major suckfest. When I was younger, I was a hermit. I'd stay inside all summer and not really see anybody. This was NOT HEALTHY. I was kinda sad and stuff. At least at school I could pretend I had friends or try to actively seek people out. Eh....it was elementary times. I played with my plastic animals/dinosaurs, read a bajillion books and had a semi-decent summer that way.

Then there was middle school. The summers during middle school went like this:
Day 1: "Woo summer is going to be great. I have people's home addresses and phone numbers and I'm gonna go visit them soooo much!"
Day 5: "That's right....I would need a mode of transportation to get to my friend's houses wouldn't I? Dad works all the time....and he doesn't approve of me leaving the house."
Day 16: "No one has really called me yet.....maybe they don't like me."
Day 28: "My life sucks. I hate my life."
Day 33: "Summer makes me feel stabby."
Day 34: "kjlkjflkajkldsaj" *falling into a deep pit of despair and depression over everything*
Day 35: "yay I'm hanging out with someone today!"
Day 36: "yesterday was fun. .... *over-analyze the outing* *conclude that people don't really actually like me because I messed up somehow during the outing*
Day 37: *Back into that pit of despair I go*
Day ???: "I'm going to form multiple personalities to keep me company."

Then I don't remember much after that.

High school summers were just ups and downs and doubting. Mostly doubt though. It was....not the best cup of tea. Especially last summer.

Fun Fact: I found out I'm severely allergic to severe stress. FUN TIMES.

However, I have a good feeling about this summer. I've used up 3 tanks of gas already. This means I've actually done things with my life. I don't really have the money to continue going through gas at that rate...but I DON'T CARE. I'm having a better summer.

I'm hoping this summer will be pretty awesome. So far it has. It should...keep doing that.

I can feel that doubt and paranoia creeping back up again though. It is really not a pleasant feeling. It's unfortunate that these feelings have been mostly right throughout my life as well.

Bah. Maybe I'm just hungry and missing the delicious and oh-not-so-cheap college food. We had a catering service bitches! (What? You are offended by my swearing? Calm down. I did not really mean that you all are bitches. It's just an ending to a sentence in this case. It's like an underlined exclamation point.) I really do miss that food though. So much variety!

Or maybe I just really have paranoia. I really need to get on solving that.

oh and...I'm sorry that I was so sassy to my more sensitive viewers.

~AM

To: Hobbesjobs

You know who you are.

I will be seriously surprised if you happen to stumble across this.

Today I asked myself "Why in God's name didn't we ever hang out before?!". I later found this phrase to be rather funny considering our particular religious stances.

But honestly. It's ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous.

I read all your notes and such. Even your seemingly little-known blog. You read my articles and liked my pictures. It's like we were already sort of friends. Alright...maybe not. We were casual readers and slightly distant admirers of each other's work. That's a step!

Some things are seriously taken for granted. I am always sorry for that.

But I digress Mr. Hobbesjobs. You are one of the few awesome people I have met in this world. You also confuse me for some inexplicable reason. In conclusion, that means you're my friend.

"I, like God, do not play with dice and I do not believe in coincidences."

~AM

My Failed Mantra

"Never Give Up" I would always say.

When I was feeling blue about not impressing Scipio way back when....I decided to write these words down on a piece of paper. I kept that paper by my bedside. It's still in the drawer by my bedside table....being preserved as if it was a piece of the original bible.

I followed those words like they were scripture. Something went wrong...I would turn to those three words and tell myself that this wasn't all for nothing. I'd be a winner in the end. I felt that these words were inspired by a higher being. Something up there was trying to tell me something. HA!

2 years later and things did not end well with Scipio and I. Prior to that, I had feared this event. I comforted myself with that stupid piece of paper though. "Never Give Up" it said. I believed it. I tried my hardest to prevent an unpreventable event. After Scipio left...I remembered that idiotic paper. "Never Give Up" it reminded me. So I thought to myself...."hmm...it's a sign. I can win him back!". Yeah...no.

That hasn't worked so well for me.

But that was ok. I had met someone else.

Ninja lead me on though. He really sucked me in with his wonderfulness.

The bracelet he gave me was just as powerful as that piece of paper that had inscribed upon. That bracelet was a reminded that "maybe someday" we would finally be together and that I should "never give up" on that possibility. Oh boy.

I wore that bracelet as if it were some sort of wedding ring. It may sound ridiculous and obsessive....and it kinda was/is (whoops!). I was/am really crazy about that guy. He didn't help. He obviously really cared about me. He wrote to me all the time. We mutually love each other.

Apparently, there was someone else he cared about and loved more than me. I didn't really know about that. It was probably better that I didn't. It was to be expected anyways.

While I was walking around with that pathetic mantra and annoying "undying loyalty" trait of mine, everybody else was being sensible and moving on.

My "never give up" mantra has ruined me. It has given me 4 years of pointless hope.

I think it's time to kill it.

Although, now that I'm looking at it again....there is one thing that is worrying me.

I have just discovered that I have inscribed in very small letters towards the bottom of this holy post-it note the words "....or else".

Dammit.

~AM

Backing Down

"Don't get ahead of yourself. I know how you are" Ninja called up to me.
Man that guy isn't going to leave me be is he?
I was standing at the top of the cliff that he had previously saved me from.
I looked at Scipio. It was unclear what we wanted for ourselves and so, it was unclear to tell what each of us wanted from the other.
I wanted stay.
I wanted to go.
I backed down the cliff.
I won't choose either.
Not now.
I'll stay on a ledge in the middle.
Ninja still talks to me from down below. He hasn't left my side.
Scipio is preoccupied.
Some things change. Others don't.

~AM

I tried.

I tried to get over you.
I really did.
But I'm not.
I scaled that cliff wall in 30 seconds once I saw you and heard you speak.
I'm teetering at the edge now.
Are you going to push me off or grab me and hug me close?
I won't know for another week or so. Perhaps more.
I worked so hard.
I had cleaned most of the wounds from my last fall.
Every once and a while I saw you at the top of the cliff.
I yelled out.
We would talk.
You would move on.
The ninja would coax me to keep on moving as well.
The ninja wanted me away from that wall.
I kept a finger on it....
"let it go" the ninja would say.
I let go.
I would walk a little ways away.
I kept you in sight.
As time went on I would get a little farther away.
Your voice always brought me a step back though.
We gave each other distance.
Why was this time different?
The ninja coaxed me to move on.
I wouldn't budge.
I saw you.
That face.
That smile.
That voice.
That laugh.
It all came flooding back.
I rushed back. All the steps I had taken away from you....I retraced them right back to you.
I climbed up that wall. Right to the top.
You pulled me up...but you kept me at the edge.
Both unsure of what to do.
I have a feeling we're going to be at the edge for a little while.

~AM

College: Year One Overview

So I've been done with my first year of college for a couple weeks now.

I should probably write about it.

The first semester was pretty good for me academically speaking. I didn't have any friends really...so no social life to distract me. I finished homework in a timely manner because school was the only successful part of my life. I needed to distract myself from what had happened previous to me moving in to college. I won't go into detail.

I started receiving random phone calls from Codename: Ninja at the end of October. I looked forward to these phone calls. Every night I would look at my phone with the hopes that he would call me. If he did, I would sit in the laundry room and chat with him well into the early hours of the morning. I was the happiest person on the planet while I was on the phone. I still don't think he realizes that.

I went back to my old procrastinating self by November. I was still a hermit and never got out of my dorm room. I was also conflicted.

Thanksgiving break didn't matter until the 27th. Ninja came back home to see me during break. Best day of my life. Also sad though. Complicated.

Christmasfest came along. During the parts that I didn't sing, I daydreamed. I had heard the other choirs songs a few times. I wondered if I was betraying Scipio. I wondered how stupid I was to let Ninja get away.

My first finals were not as bad as I thought. My well-written papers and carefully done work served me well throughout the semester. I got through first semester without much of an academic scratch.

By Christmas break I had made up my mind. I had a diabolical plan set in place. That plan miserably failed though when I realized how unimportant an insignificant I was. Ninja's calls stopped....but that didn't stop me from calling every once and a while. Pathetic.

J-Term was an evil thing. This is where I really started to slack. I just couldn't focus on academics. I made some friends instead. Little by little, I was allowed to be a part of their already well-established group.

Second semester started in February. I didn't really get the class schedule I wanted...and I wasn't really dedicated to my classes like I was in the fall.

In my attempt to continue my diabolical plan, I ended up getting rejected on Valentine's Day.

By the end of February I had made up my mind to transfer and go after what my heart wanted: Journalism and Ninja.

All I remember about March and April was that I finally realized I needed to put in a little more effort than I was into my classes. I started hanging out more with people.

I started watching Glee with people. I really enjoyed my glee group. I miss them already.

I had a few instances where I made a friend and then they decided they didn't want to be my friend after a little while. That was fun.

Once May hit, I started realizing that I would be transferring for the wrong reasons. I was basing my life around someone again. As much as it hurt me, I realized that I couldn't finish my diabolical plan...because Ninja already stated his opinion on the matter. I couldn't change his mind. I still hate the fact that someone can make someone I really care about happier than I can.

I also had become rather attached to the friends I made. I didn't want to just leave them for a whim.

Unfortunately this means I'll never know. So I'll always be unhappy and wondering "what if?".

I trudged through finals. Was relieved when it was all over. Said goodbye to a senior friend. Left my emotions god knows where. Cleared out my dorm room. Said Goodbye until the fall.

Overall impression: I really don't know. It wasn't smooth sailing.

~AM