Bite Me

So...I was curious about what in the world this nonsense was about. Over the past couple months I’ve been seeing notifications on facebook that say "Such and such found a homeless hottie who needs help! Such and such was just hanging out, like, fighting the evil undead and stuff, when Justin wandered into her apartment. Justin's parents kicked him out, and he needs a place to crash. Can you help?"

I thought to myself "What the..." and was very confused by the whole matter. I decided to do a little research.

According to the fan page, Bite Me is "A strategy RPG set in a world of hipster vampires. Work your way to the top of the vampire underworld, and look fabulous doing it!" um...ok?

Although, my favorite description of it is "some vampire [CENSORED BY 4KIDS] game in which it's cool to get kicked out of your house for being a little bitch and then picked up by some random stranger who happens to be a vampire... "

The first thing I discovered was the excessive use of the word "Thralls". That’s not a word you hear everyday. I don’t know what exactly they were talking about because it looked like this to me: "blah blah blah blah thrally-thralls! Blah blah Thralls blah blah, blah blah vampires blah. Blah blah blah blah blah Thrall blah. Blah blah blah Thralls blah blah blah Thrall blah. Thralls!"

Anyways, in order to get a basic idea of what this game was about, I realized I had to do the unthinkable: add the application. I was cautioned "BE CAREFUL YOU COULD GET AIDS".

This made me wonder...do vampires know of the dangers of AIDS? Vampires better be careful who they bite. Seriously. Watch...there will now be a movie like "Philadelphia" only with vampires.

Anyways...here is my thought process going through the game:

Oh look a picture. Weird looking not-so-hot people. Yay.

Oh no! I awoke from a nightmare of battling monsters and UNHOLY TERRORS. –I want to know what these "unholy terrors" are. Terrorists? Communists? The Star Wars Christmas Special?

Anyways...that’s okay because I had the power of (CHOOSE YOUR FIRST POWER HERE)-I chose "wolf bite" because...maybe I’ll be a werewolf. I hope so.

OH LOOK! CUSTOMIZING TIME! KIDS LIKE THE WORD CUSTOMIZE!

After making myself look like an emo kid...all of a sudden there’s this guy with a sword standing in front of me. Great. I already got guys brandishing their swords at me.

Apparently the dude thinks I’m like a newborn though...weak and hungry. What a jerk. He tells me he has "just the thing for me" and that I shouldn’t disappoint him. That...is one big ol’ cup of creepytime tea.

OMG A BLOODSUCKER IS AFTER ME! I MUST QUICKLY USE MY CLAWS TO SCRATCH HIS EYES OUT SINCE I APPARENTLY DON'T REALLY HAVE THAT WOLF BITE ABILITY! -I was highly disappointed that I still looked like an emo girl with long nails engaging in a catfight instead of a werewolf.

Yay the dude with the sword thinks I might be worthy of him now that I killed something. –I’m thinking this relationship isn’t going to work pal. Put your sword away.

Then this fun notification came up:
Ruby just became a sexy vampire in Bite Me!
For a dead gal, Ruby looks pretty damn hot. Snacking on the blood of mortals gives her that youthful glow. You should team up and fight the evil undead together in Bite Me!

That’s right I look hot. I don’t think I snacked on the blood of anything though. I just kinda...scratched them to death somehow.

So...now I’m in this apartment that may or may not be mine. And there’s a bed with the sheets all messed up. I leave quickly.

Some chick has been expecting me. She wants me to... be an exterminator? Who does she think I am?! Some emo werewolf (possibly?) chick who just does chores for people? Hell no!

I was under the impression that I would be going through some epic battles and taming dragons and transforming into a werewolf! I did not see these things happening anytime soon. I didn’t know I’d have to please a guy with a sword and do whatever chores this chick wants me to so she can party all the time. If that’s how they want to “train” me (more like EXPLOIT), then count me out...especially if I'm not really going to be a werewolf and instead just some emo chick with long nails.

I still don’t know where or how these "homeless hotties" come into play either. So I just invite random guys to stay with me? I don’t think that’s a very good idea letting strange people into my apartment to chill with me. It just seems really sketchy.

There are just too many ways to get STDs in this game. Honestly. I'd rather not be an emo kid with numerous STDs.

*delete application*