Bears. Sweets. Fullmetal Alchemist.

This year, like all of my years of existence, had a lot of stuff happen and was filled with many adventures. I will spare you all by not doing a month by month, "let's relive the entire year" thing. I'm sure I will talk about the events that transpired this year at various times. It's just preferable by many that I don't talk about it all at once.

So generally, the year 2010 was similar to how my break went.

It started off really sexy and awesome:

Then it ended with me trapped in a vortex of things that plague me sometimes:

In between all that I ate food and hung out with people. Some ninja stuff too. The End.

One thing I've noticed this break is that when I'm at college, I have this grand illusion of my life being generally alright. I feel pretty awesome. Sometimes I even have a bit of an ego and say to myself  "I am probably prettier than 10 people on this campus!".

However, when I journey back to my hometown, I am filled with a lot of unexplained rage and this tremendous desire to worry about everything. That's how I end up in that vortex. Maybe I'm on the internet too much during break.

 
I did also consume a plethora of cookies, candy and pretty much any sort of chocolate I could get my little hands on. I'm sure that does something to your brain. Whatever the cause, it made me have insomnia for a few days. There was seriously a night I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes I had this vision of a grizzly bear mauling me.

Ahhh sleep deprived hallucinations are the best.

So, to combat these feelings, I usually drown myself in the latest show I've discovered. Right now, that show would be Fullmetal Alchemist. I admit with great shame that Fullmetal Alchemist was one of those things I pretended I had seen so I could fit in with my coworkers and friends who talked about anime. Now I don't have to pretend any longer! I really wish I had gotten around to watching it before though. It's quite the awesome show. Edward reminds me of myself when I was a young lad. Except I wasn't a lad.

I like how my ponytail keeps getting longer. *waggles eyebrows* I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Well friends, I'm tired of trying to keep you entertained this year. I promise I'll come back next year though. I'll be armed with more silly drawings like this gem I found today:

~AM

Vexatious Poetry

I’m very sorry I haven’t been productive,

My capacity to succeed has vanished in vain

Washed away in a sea of pity, all reason has left

You see, I’ve been on a vagabond voyage of sorts

Traveling and traversing in the scenes of memories past

Never knowing what vision I will venture into

Wavering in feelings that have long deceased

These virulent adventures are my weakness, my vice

Believing I still have much to review, to discover

I relive my travails, vexations, and every crisis

Questioning the investments I’ve made in friendships

Or whether my quality of undying loyalty is an annoyance

Always hoping a truth will somehow be revealed

I swear I’m not crazy, but no one will vouch for me

Particularly those who live in present and never history

For these are the people who are most venerable

These are the people who succeed

And I, a sorry vagrant, pleading for vindication,

Having been deceived into thinking peace came easily,

Am the victim of inadequacy.

~AM

Chemistry Lab

~AM

Creative Writing

In case you wanted to know what crazy stuff I'm writing for my creative writing class...here's a sample:

Ruby turned on the stove and pulled her long blonde hair back into a ponytail. She never liked cooking with her hair down. No matter how irrational it was, she had a fear of her hair catching on fire. Carefully rolling up the sleeves on her sweater, so those didn’t catch on fire as well, she peered into the living room where Zak was quietly playing with his plastic animals and dump truck. His little 4 year old face was stern as he softly talked to his animals and carefully placed them into the dump truck in a neat row. Ruby smiled at his puzzling mind and went back into the kitchen. She grabbed a box of colored wagon wheels pasta off the shelf and waited for the water to boil. 

Small feet, almost like the soft padded paws of a dog, plodded into the kitchen. 

“Mommy, there’s a car coming down the driveway! Is it Uncle Ben?” He grabbed her belt and looked at her with electrified eyes

Ruby frowned “No…I don’t think so….” She walked around to the living room window. Driving down the long driveway was a black Mercedes. “Shit.” She quickly spun around so as not to be visible from the outside. She edged away and quickly made her way back to the kitchen. In one fluid movement she shut off the stove and crouched down in the corner of the kitchen behind the island and pulled Zak close.

“Mommy who-“

“Shh! You need to be quiet now ok?” she whispered.

Zak smiled and giggled.“Is it Uncle Ben? Are we playing hide and go seek?” He bounced up and down on her lap.

“Shh! Mommy needs you to be quiet right-“ A sudden sharp knock at the door cut her off. Ruby brought Zak close to her as the knocking grew louder and more impatient. Zak whimpered into her shoulder. 

“It’s ok.” She ran her fingers through the loose curls he got from his father. 

The knocking stopped and all that could be heard was the muffled voices of two men and a large envelope being shoved through the bottom of the door. It slid across the hardwood floor menacingly. Ruby strained to hear what the men were saying.

“I know she is. I made sure.” One man flustered. 

“Then keep a close eye on the house” commanded the other. 

Car doors slammed and the engine started up as the black Mercedes made its way out of the driveway. Ruby set Zak beside her. 

“I want you to sit here ok?” 

Zak brought his knees up to his chest. “ok”

Ruby crawled towards the front door on her hands and knees to where the envelope lay on the floor. She sat on the floor and opened up the envelope and found a letter attached to newspaper clippings and photos. Zak got on all fours and started to crawl towards her, growling softly.

 Ruby glanced through the letter and flipped through some of the clippings and photo. She started to stuff them back into the envelope when Zak rushed towards her crying “woof woof!” He growled and grabbed hold of one of the photos.

“Zak stop that! Don’t!” She tried to snatch it away but he already had it. 

“The wolf caught the Elk!” He cried as he held the photo up triumphantly. His eyes quickly scanned over his prize. His face squinted and he cocked his head sideways. “Is this a picture of you ?”

Ruby grabbed the photo and shoved it back into the envelope with the others. “Zak I need you to listen to me ok? We’re going to go on a trip. Can you go pick out some toys you want to bring?”

“Yay yay yay!” Zak ran into the living room and started stacking his animals into a plastic container in neat little rows. “We’re going on a trip!” Ruby's chest grew tight as he whispered excitedly into each of the animals fixed ears. “We’re going on a trip!”

Ruby threw the envelope on the kitchen table and pulled a small key from her pocket. She walked towards the basement door and unlocked it. Her hand shaking, she slowly opened the door.

So....yeah.

~AM

Piano for a Non-Music Major

Today I was feeling much contempt for my life. Since I don't have my dog here to be ridiculously happy at just the sight of me to give me the impression that I am indeed loved, I decided that playing the piano might help.

It's been about a month since I've played the piano, but I was confidant that I could just play whatever came to mind.I don't have any music here....but I usually don't. I play by memory. Special.

Now, I used to play the piano in the secluded recesses of the basement in the old science building, but that is currently under construction. Those practice rooms exist no more. I thought I would be okay practicing in the main music building. I know I'm not a music major and that I would be spotted as an outsider, but I figured since it was homecoming weekend not many people would be there.

So I went to the music building and found a practice room. It wasn't really busy. I happened to be right next door to someone who actually knows how to play the piano well. I wasn't too intimidated. I placed my hands on the keys and started to play Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C Sharp Minor by memory. I got a few measures in and I blanked. I fiddled around on the keys till I found the right chord and continued playing but I was immediately stopped again. Why couldn't I remember this song? I started playing another one. I drew another blank. Next song. I don't know all of that one. Next song. This one doesn't sound as impressive as the one the guy next door is playing.

I listed to the guy next door. He was playing a very technical and  fast piece without any detectable flaws. Here was I in the other room, plunking away on forgotten tunes. What authority di I have being here? Alas! I could play Toccata and Fugue in D Minor! Right? That will prove that I have a reason to come waltzing into the music building as a non music major and to casually play the piano. I started playing. I started noticing every single flaw I made, every measure I omitted, every stumble.

I heard people walking by. What would they think hearing a very familiar tune being played ...not so well? I stopped playing.

I started thinking about how I wasn't a music major. How I've had to teach myself the piano. How I took a couple years of piano lessons so I could learn how to read music. How I still couldn't read rhythms very well. How I needed to hear a piece first before even beginning to figure out how to play it. How I couldn't hum an A 440. How I couldn't play the piano decently.

My self-esteem plummeted at this point. I don't excel in anything musical compared to music majors. I was worried I was being judged by them.

I got up from the piano, pushed the bench in, and shut out the lights. As I opened the heavy door, I felt my face flush with embarrassment because if I could hear the guy in the other room, then he definitely heard my pitiful attempts at playing.

I'll never, ever play the piano in the music building ever again.

~AM

Scrambled Eggs

This year I have learned that scrambled eggs are, in fact, delicious. I don't remember why I stopped eating eggs in the first place. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me?

And so, for my creative writing class, I wrote a piece about my scrambled egg eating experience:

I look at the scrambled eggs.  No, it’s a clump of eggs. I pick up my fork and poke at the egg clump. It jiggles. I start to furiously chop up the clump of egg with my fork. Smaller and smaller the pieces get. I was past the scrambled egg stage; I was getting down to a molecular level. Once I was satisfied at the tiny bits of egg scattered about my plate, I gave them one final mash. I add one dash….4 dashes of salt. I tentatively scrape up some egg molecules and bring them near my mouth. I bit down on the fork. I chewed on the scrambled egg and swallowed. The salted scrambled eggs were like glorious yellow suns. 

My writing group found it hilarious. My self esteem went up a few points that day. Good for me.

In other news, I am....alive. I'm sitting on my bed and living. I guess. I am hopefully not bothering anyone too much with my existence. 

You know, I was sitting at dinner tonight pondering my possibly bothersome existence. I even started looking around and making sure my loneliness wasn't distracting anyone. You never now....seeing a moderately attractive girl eating alone might bother some people. They start to spend their time thinking about why on earth I would be eating alone instead of enjoying their burrito or pork sandwich. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a crazed sociopath? I assure you, I am not. On this particular night, I ate alone because I needed to eat fast and get back to doing homework. Still, people might be troubled by a moderately attractive girl who may or may not be a sociopath that eats fast. Am I behind on my stalking schedule? Am I a hyena? Again, I assure you that neither of those things were the case. I simply had homework to attend to. I was finally being productive for once. I wasn't going to let a little thing like dinner slow me down.

Other than checking out the flooding, that's about it really. 

See ya later, yeah?

~AM

It would be so much easier if....Part 3

 So hey... this took a while to finish up. Also....100th post. Party.

Anyways, it would be so much easier if I liked The Bible. I don't like The Bible. Well okay. I'll be more specific. There are a lot of books in The Bible that kinda suck. Others, like the gospels, are actually alright.

As a whole though, I don't like The Bible.

I think Jesus would forgive me for saying that. I would like to think he didn't care for a majority of the Bible that much. God? He would probably not forgive me. Family? Well let's hope they don't know how to use the internet.

Right. So if you remember from my last post about this, I was in a bible class. In this class, I kinda thought that I would have to do some outside critical thinking because I assumed that it was going to be like sunday school or confirmation where they dodge a lot of questions or give the usual "well...God loves everyone and wants everyone to believe in him" type of answers. I thought they would do to me what I once did to small Vacation Bible School Childen: super brainwashing. To my surprise and relief, the professor I had encouraged critical thinking and criticizing what the Bible said. Dangerous waters for some indeed! Not for me.

What I found in the Bible were truly horrific stories. It's...graphic. There's rape, war, abuse....lots of terrible stuff. Maybe that's old news. For those of you who believe the Bible is the word of god, I invite you to read  Judges 19. Maybe you skipped that part. I don't know WTF god would be trying to convey through that story...but if that is inspired word of some sort of god....I really don't want to be a part of that.

Second of all, the god in the Bible doesn't seem like a cool cat AT ALL. He tells his people that foreigners are bad. He tells his people to go to some lands, kill the native people, and claim it as their own because that's the promised land. Intolerant stuff like that. There are explanations like "oh that whole hating foreigners thing was just so they could preserve their small Israelite culture!" Yeah no. God said no murdering. Then he tells them to go kill people. Right.

If you're looking for writing that is more contradictory than some facebook status updates, then take a look at God in the book of Job. He makes a bet with the Devil (yeah! I know!) to see how far he can push Job before he gets mad and curses God's name. So God does super shitty stuff to Job like...killing all his children and burning his crops and telling Job's wife to jog on. THEN God gets super pissed when Job is all "WTF GOD? Pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong. WHY DID YOU KILL MY ENTIRE FAMILY?!". God's response? "Who in god's name do you think you are? You're not special! pssssh. Don't question me! BAD BOY! You don't know anything....about anything! I think you learned your lesson." Seriously guys. Read Job.

The part that REALLY bothers me...are the passages that could be used to justify horrible things. There's one book where God is portrayed as the husband, and Israel is the wife. God abuses Israel...and the prophet writing it is like "yeah....we deserved it because we were whores. We tried to be friends with foreigners and stuff...and that was bad of us." So God is allowed to punish Israel while claiming "this hurts me more than it does you". Meanwhile, the prophet takes the metaphor too far and applies it to his own marriage. Hooray. That's not the worst part of this book though. The worst part of it is that since people believe these are inspired by the divine, they can go ahead and justify abusing women with those passages. I read articles about abused women where their husbands would point to those specific passages in the Bible to justify their actions...and the women were all like "oh...well I guess if God says it's okay...." NO! GAH! 

Stuff like that bothered me a lot.

What did I like about the Bible? The Gospel of Mark and John. That's where you got the "let's break the social norms and just love everyone!" Jesus.

But then that whole "JESUS WAS SACRIFICED" crap comes into play after that as well as Paul and his LIES. I don't want to get into that.

 Jesus was just a guy who wanted to change the world. Some (probably rich) people thought that being equal was a terrible idea and killed him off.  The end. He's not a sacrifice for anything. He just got killed because he had radical, society changing ideas. That's what happens. Ok, if he WAS a sacrifice....then god is pretty twisted. Um....Abraham being told to sacrifice his son? Anybody?

I also like Proverbs because (are you sitting down?) God is a "she" in that one. Blasphemy! (okay you can stand up again). Revelations has dragons so.... it's automatically cool.

The main reason I don't like The Bible is because...a lot people don't realize what it really is. The Bible is a library, not a book, and since there are many authors (let's be real people...) there are MANY contradictions. So....it just seems silly to try and have a definitive religion based off of it.

These were the truths that were revealed to me.

~AM