Piano for a Non-Music Major

Today I was feeling much contempt for my life. Since I don't have my dog here to be ridiculously happy at just the sight of me to give me the impression that I am indeed loved, I decided that playing the piano might help.

It's been about a month since I've played the piano, but I was confidant that I could just play whatever came to mind.I don't have any music here....but I usually don't. I play by memory. Special.

Now, I used to play the piano in the secluded recesses of the basement in the old science building, but that is currently under construction. Those practice rooms exist no more. I thought I would be okay practicing in the main music building. I know I'm not a music major and that I would be spotted as an outsider, but I figured since it was homecoming weekend not many people would be there.

So I went to the music building and found a practice room. It wasn't really busy. I happened to be right next door to someone who actually knows how to play the piano well. I wasn't too intimidated. I placed my hands on the keys and started to play Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C Sharp Minor by memory. I got a few measures in and I blanked. I fiddled around on the keys till I found the right chord and continued playing but I was immediately stopped again. Why couldn't I remember this song? I started playing another one. I drew another blank. Next song. I don't know all of that one. Next song. This one doesn't sound as impressive as the one the guy next door is playing.

I listed to the guy next door. He was playing a very technical and  fast piece without any detectable flaws. Here was I in the other room, plunking away on forgotten tunes. What authority di I have being here? Alas! I could play Toccata and Fugue in D Minor! Right? That will prove that I have a reason to come waltzing into the music building as a non music major and to casually play the piano. I started playing. I started noticing every single flaw I made, every measure I omitted, every stumble.

I heard people walking by. What would they think hearing a very familiar tune being played ...not so well? I stopped playing.

I started thinking about how I wasn't a music major. How I've had to teach myself the piano. How I took a couple years of piano lessons so I could learn how to read music. How I still couldn't read rhythms very well. How I needed to hear a piece first before even beginning to figure out how to play it. How I couldn't hum an A 440. How I couldn't play the piano decently.

My self-esteem plummeted at this point. I don't excel in anything musical compared to music majors. I was worried I was being judged by them.

I got up from the piano, pushed the bench in, and shut out the lights. As I opened the heavy door, I felt my face flush with embarrassment because if I could hear the guy in the other room, then he definitely heard my pitiful attempts at playing.

I'll never, ever play the piano in the music building ever again.

~AM