Leo the Goddamn Lion

Guess who got Netflix in her life again? This person. And so, the time has come for me to watch stupid children's movies and suffer for entertainment purposes. I don't know why I can't just be a normal person and watch Stranger Things or 13 Reasons Why like everybody else. No. I fill up my queue with stupid shit. 

Today we are examining: Leo the Lion.

Now this is not a mainstream bad movie (yet) and I only know about it because of an awesome tipster I have. So we'll see what this is all about.

hoooo boy where to even start with this trash? The animation is super freaking bad and awkward. Here we go. The Narrator tells me that Leo the Lion is super special because he is.. a vegetarian. And the reason for that is actually quite interesting in that THEY NEVER GIVE A REASON WHY. Eugh, the mama lion is licking Leo right now and I'm really uncomfortable by the licking noise the SFX people went with. Like seriously, you couldn't find a better sound for that?

The Characters:

Leo the Lion: Our hero. Again, he's a vegetarian for reasons that are never explained. He looks really...emaciated.

Uncle Lope: Uncle f**king Lope. He's this old ass antelope that is the self-described "comedic relief", but he straight up sucks. He has dentures that fly out every once in a while, but inconsistently so. Also he has a stutter sometimes, and then drops it randomly. Did Uncle Lope raise Leo? Do they even have a history before the event of this movie? The moving montage towards the end of this movie, that only consists of every scene he was a part of in the movie, suggests not.

Savanna: She's the Elephant Queen who has twin baby elephants. Her husband, Eli Phant....no, I'm not joking. His name is Eli Phant. Anyway, Eli was shot up by poachers and taken to the "place called Zoo" but I think they killed him. Like I'm pretty sure. She does nothing for the first half of the movie, but then decides to take action, and then ends up doing nothing.

Twin baby elephants: They have names, they just say it like once, and I don't remember. They have a fixation on Leo being their father. Also, their tails are tied together. Get it? Because... of a reason?

Maximus Elephante: He's the bad Albino Elephant. He has rocking theme music every time he is in frame. His whole goal is to marry Savanna and have power. He likes the size of his...tusks.

Various Baby Animals: There's a zebra, a leopard/cheetah, and a monkey. They all are mostly pointless. They were all "rescued" and are being taken to "a safe place". The only one I know that has a name is the Monkey, Nanu, because they say his name ALL THE TIME. To hell with the other guys, am I right?

So the premise of this movie is that Leo is born a vegetarian Lion and that doesn't really affect him whatsoever I guess. We have a scene of him hunting with his mother for a Zebra when his mom falls off a cliff into a river a la Mufasa in the Lion King. Then, as his mom tumbles down the river, she tells Leo to "Find the Heart of the Jungle"  then she hurtles down a waterfall and we see her hit every. single. rock. on. the. way. down. GET IT KIDS? SHE'S DEAD. Years(?) later, Leo finds Savanna the Elephant in the Jungle when she gives birth to baby elephant twins. The twins wander off with Leo and a fire separates Leo and the babies from Savanna. In the aftermath of the fire, Leo and Uncle Lope round up the other baby animals and decide this is the perfect time to head for the mysterious Heart of the Jungle his mother mentioned. So they basically kidnap these children and lead them away from their families. Maximus makes a deal with Savanna that if he finds her babies, she will have to marry him. She agrees, and he sets off trying to track down where that scumbag Leo went because I guess he hates him now?

Things That Bothered Me:
-The mouths never match up to the speech. Ever. My guess is that this is originally in another language.
-We have to listen to licking sounds and panting sounds coming from the lions hunting and I feel like I need to explain to my neighbors I'm watching a children's movie.
-They talk about how bullied Leo was by everyone, and all we ever see of that in this movie is a few lions teasing him for five seconds. Everyone else has the reaction of "who gives a crap"when told he is a vegetarian.
-THE NARRATOR STRAIGHT UP JUST SWITCHES TO A DIFFERENT CHARACTER FOR NO REASON.
-HAHAHA they just showed me a flashback of what just happened not even a minute ago in the movie to emphasize Uncle Lope and Leo's friendship.  Because I'm dumb and can't remember something that happened literally two seconds ago.
-Monkeys in Rastafarian hats because why not. Let's not explain that at all either.
-Oh my god. Ok. So. Savanna is making these "in labor noises" and she is stepping on Leo's foot so he is making "in pain noises" at the same time. Again neighbors, I'm watching a children's movie!
-Um, is Leo flirting with Savanna...or....???
-Narrator future Uncle Lope is narrating how future old Leo is narrating the story?????? What the hell is going on????
-The baby elephants think Leo is their dad, and excessively use the word "daddy" for the entire rest of the time.
-Random chaos in the middle of a musical number. Now I'm lost and bored.
-Leo gets ditched by his roving band of children and interacts with all these stupid side characters for a while before they join up again and when is this movie done.
-Now there is an elephant graveyard. You don't seriously think I'm like "wha...I must be watching LION KING right now! That's for sure!"
-Oh my god they made all of the Heyenas sound like a bad Cheech imitation.
-I'm so tired of hearing these baby animals talk and laugh and fight and just being dumb.
- I don't know what just happened, a cut scene? missing dialogue? but I think Leo and Uncle Lope just had a stroke.
-OKAY. The the baby animals are all getting hungry and they need milk. Uncle Lope and Leo have a plan that involve the phrases: "The zebra will not give it freely!" And "We will corner her with a little deal". Uncle Lope distracts a mother Zebra while Leo sneaks up and surprises her. She's squealing, he's basically on top of her and says "Now let's...cool it down." Like what the actual f**k am I watching? Evidently, the baby zebra is her daughter and they hold her as collateral while...the other baby animals drink her milk? AND THERE'S THE ZEBRA NIPPLES WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
-Fake-out "Heart of the Jungle" is disappointing to the children, but honestly, it is WAY better than the reveal of the actual Heart of the Jungle
-Pointless Chameleon is pointless.

Things That I Liked:
-They make the Zebras just have this panicked screaming noise when they are chased/about to die and it is kind of hilarious.
-Maximus tripping out on tranquilizers and then seeming to apologize for his part in the poacher's taking Eli away (but...huh? How did he? What?) and then instantly forgetting that and going back to evil business.
-That's it.

Bad Songs Featured:

All of them. The same backing track is played for like half of them.

The first musical number comes twenty minutes in, and it's trying really hard to be a really rocking number. Maximus sings about how great it is to be "white and cruel". It ends with a visual rip-off from Scar's song "Be Prepared" with marching Nazi Elephants.

Some bullshit song about friendship that is bland and they don't even sing to the beat half the time.And then they just stop singing but the music keeps going?

I thought another song was starting with the Lady Elephants...and they were dancing, but it's like they forgot to sing?

A Stupid Chameleon song even more sloppy and not sung to the beat.

The ending features an out of place song about how Leo is a vegetarian and this song has been stuck in my head for DAYS.

The Thrilling Conclusion:

So they make it to the Heart of the Jungle. Which is actually in the middle of the desert, in a cave, and it's just a boring pool of contaminated-looking water. The ride a rainbow of...courage (?) to get there. The Chameleon keeps the leopard and monkey babies to raise as her own (?) and then after everyone spent a whole 30 seconds at the whole point of the movie she transports the twins, Leo, and Uncle Lope outta there and says bye bye. So that was just pointless as hell. Then Uncle Lope ditches Leo and stays at the fake Heart of the Jungle.

Maximus comes to take the twin elephants away. Leo reveals *gasp* he's not the elephant twins' dad! SHOCKER. And that the babies should go with Maximus and he mopes away back to Uncle Lope. Uncle Lope gets pissed that Leo just left the children with a *gasp* traitor of the herd! A confrontation occurs when Savanna shows up and there's a big misunderstanding blah blah blah Savanna thinks Leo is evil and wants to eat her babies even though she had no previous reason to believe so. A FIGHT. UNCLE LOPE DIES. THE WHOLE MOVIE FLASHES BEFORE OUR EYES. Seriously, it's the worst "dead character's best moments" montage I've ever seen.

But then he's okay and he and Leo set out to...get the babies? Stop the wedding?

Wedding is crashed. Leo reveals the truth to Savanna that he's a vegetarian. And that he LOVES her children and that they call him Daddy (red flag). Leo also reveals Maximus betrayed Eli by pushing him and making sure the poachers caught him. A fight, a really boring fight, despite the wailing guitar riffs, occurs. Then Maximus gets caught by the poachers yaaayyy!

We then pan out and we see an old Leo is narrating the story by using this magical screen that showed the whole movie. We pan out further and we see he is talking to HIS MONSTROSITY ELEPHANT LION HYBRID CHILDREN HOLY HELL. KILL THEM WITH FIRE. I'M DONE.

Final Note: There is an excessive and uncomfortable usage of the word "Daddy" in this movie. And a Lion and an Elephant hook up because of it.

~AM

A Rant About Rants

I haven't fully exercised this part of my brain/ personality in a while. So I apologize if I am rusty.

Back in the day, I used to hold daily rants during the lunch hour at school. To be honest,  I don't know why so many people listened to me because I was raving lunatic. I really think it went to my head sometimes too. I knew I could rant about pretty much anything and my friends would be my willing/unwilling audience. Let me be clear, these rants were definitely for entertainment value. I find this is the only way I can express my opinion: mostly insincerely.

I had quite the range of topics I would talk about, and to this day I don't know what I said 95% of the time. You tell me.

The variety was impressive, from what I can recall.

I had the inspirational: "Band people think they are better than us Orchestra people, but really we're all losers TOGETHER",

The dramatic: "The Miss Teen Pageant had a suspicious letter addressed to my HOMEROOM and I will be running some tests on the envelope for poisonous substances tonight",

The crazy fanatic: "Orcas are deceitful and they are planning a secret take over of the world",

The more conspiracy-fueled: "I think I have a secret relative who was a nazi and here is my totally not made up evidence",

and the reoccurring themed "Let's explore the inner psyche of my mind and see how really crazy this conversation gets!".

As I grew older, I used this blog to rant about random things. I still had lunchroom rants at college though, most of them themed either "Maybe everyone rolls their eyes at Environmental Studies majors because sometimes we act like pretentious jerks" or "Can't everyone just realize we are all losers TOGETHER??!!"

Those were the days. When ranting about stuff wasn't the THING to do. Now everybody is ranting, and not in the funny, slightly insincere way that I like to do that makes people laugh AND think ( I think, again, inflated ego). Everyone has an opinion and a tirade to go on, and we are all super f**king serious, bro. And so, slowly, I stopped voicing my opinions in an entertaining light. Because there are many, many opinions to wade through. And my rants are probably offensive to humans because I exploit their terrible behaviors to make others laugh. Am I'm tasteless and don't remember what I'm saying when I'm in a rant state of mind.

If my high school self were to know that I stopped ranting about dumb stuff that doesn't matter on a daily basis, she would have become possessed with a dark entity and spewed forth a rant so meta and terrible, that she would have DIED.

But no, the ranting market is way over-saturated. Everybody's doing it, and it's no longer fun. It's made me feel hollow and meaningless on my quest to provide some sort of odd joy in this world.

To be fair, there's a hefty amount of serious shit hitting the fan these days, and kudos to people who are trying to make this world a better place by having their super serious rants about the state of the union. You do you.  But that just ain't my style. Never was, never will be. I. physically. can't. be. serious. about. opinions.

And so, I am slowly making my return to the world of rant. Because the market for utterly insane incoherent ranting isn't over-saturated y- ....oh wait. um. NEVER MIND. THAT SEEMS TO BE COVERED. And all you super serious coherent meaningful rant people have the rest.

So that leaves entertaining rants, which I think is pretty much all of youtube now so...

Whatever man. I'll get my groove back.

Songs you didn't know I liked PART 2

I've been gone a long time. I'm going to ease back into writing with a little list. You can read the first iteration of this post here.

Get Back- Ludacris: I don't know what it is about this song that I like other than I like to shout "GET BACK MOTHERF****R YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT at people.

Capital G- Nine Inch Nails: Now I love Nine Inch Nails in general. NIN saved me in college. But why this song? There are loads more better than this. There's just something fun about reciting the opening lyrics to unsuspecting people out of context and sounding really philosophical. (I'm sensing a theme).

The Beautiful People- Marilyn Manson: Tyler likes to point out that literally no one would suspect I listen to ANY song by Marilyn Mason. I would agree, this one is pretty left field for me. But damn, this is a great song to angry air guitar to.

Fairytale- Alexander Rybak: Here is one that I'm really embarrassed about. This is some sappy EuroVision shit that I can't get enough of. It's like an alcohol-free Applebee's specialty drink drinking song.

Womanizer-Britney Spears: What I would give to actually be good at dancing. This song always gets me thinking I'm a Pop Star when, if I were to video record myself lip-syncing and dancing to this song, which I certainly have not, I would be disappointed in the unflattering footage of myself.

'93 Me and Fred and Dave and Ted- The Magnetic Fields: The singer in this band always sounds like he's just depressed as shit and that his own voice is boring the hell out of himself. But I learned all of the lyrics to this song in 2 hours upon hearing it.

From the Pinnacle to the Pit- Ghost B.C.: Even though King Diamond scared the crap out of me, I find the characters that make up Ghost B.C. delightfully and charmingly frightful. Despite the fact the band is made up of nameless ghouls and a satanic priest, they aren't actually satanists. But sure, this is my Hail Satan jam.

Bodies-Drowning Pool: I love this song because all I can imagine is my brother rollerblading to this song in gym class.

Here We Go-Bassnectar: I think the house/dub/whatever genre has some real potential to sound cool. Unfortunately it's usually quite repetitive, uses small child voice samples a little too often, and is quite unimaginative. However, I can respect the really nice bass-drop in this song.

Copabana- Barry Manilow: I could be dying of some terrible illness and I bet I'll still dance to the entirety of this song if played. Please keep playing this at wedding receptions. Thanks.