G(od help me)-Force

I don't know why I put myself through this. I should have stopped watching after 5 minutes. It was at this point I said to myself  "ahahahahahaaaaa it's a talking guinea pig! Shoot me."

The beginning was really slow. There was a lot of military talk I didn't listen to. The only thing I caught was the the guinea pig knew what kind of underwear the bad guy was wearing! Ha! Technology these days.

So what I gathered of the plot was that there was this evil scheme involving kitchen appliances and shopping. Sounds more like a womans problem and less like a guinea pigs problem to me. But there's something about extermination of the human race somehow involved with all this...I didn't pay attention.

So we got this team of guinea pigs and company (trained by Zach Galafalfkjslf) trying to prove to the government that they are just as good as human agents. I don't really remember their names but there is:

Mole: he's the typical computer nerd. the real core of the team. shy.
Fly: camera crew. doesn't talk. thank god.
Commander: the lead guinea pig. not much more character.
Latina Tease: the guinea pig who leads everyone on and is sassy. that's it.
Black Guinea Pig: now when I say "black" I mean that's what color he was... but it could also refer to the stereotype placed upon him. Some of his lines include: "lemme acks him" "pimp my ride" "tick...tick....boom" "let's get this party started riiiiight" etc. seriously.  
Oaf: guinea pig they met in a pet shop. he farts. a lot. *sigh*


There are also human characters...but they are pretty unimportant.


The basic plot involves too much explaining. I don't care to explain this movie too much. I'm not sure what to tell you. The guinea pigs want to stop evil. Government agents trying to capture them because they know too many secrets is a subplot. umm...something like that.

Here are some things I wrote while watching the movie:
-oh for god's sake...one of the goddamn guinea pigs is on facebook updating her status.
-How the f*** do you mess up a download!? Seriously! Stupid guinea pigs.
-The old "they're...um...they're... invisible! OMG they're EVERYWHERE!" trick worked really well on those government agents! Jesus Christ.
-Wait...why do the government agents want to kill the guinea pigs again? Oh right. Because they're annoying.
-commander: "cool it guys! The world is at stake!" oh shut up. Please. Die.
- The line "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" was just used after Oaf guinea pig farted. You're welcome Apocalypse Now.
-"He's sensitive" is just a nice way of saying "that hamster over there is really Canadian".
-They keep playing "I got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night" at stupid times. Which is all the time.
-It's 26 minutes into the movie and even their spy fly is trying to kill himself.
- Grandfather to child about mole: "That's a hideous crime against nature I'd say!" Ouch.
-What kind of DEMONIC child picks up a guinea pig in the pet store and lobs him across the room into the snake tank!?
-Now we're learning spanish!
-I bet the mole didn't really die in the garbage truck. I'll bet we'll see him again and he'll save the day. Just a thought.
-Why are they using cockroach spies? They're not cute. They are disgusting.
-Stupid Subplot Alert: The newly encountered Oaf thinks the Commander is his brother. aaaannd now he wants to come along. Well great.
-It's always the Canadians fault. 
-So the evil guy has never seen his business partner who also insists upon masking his voice during conference calls. I think we've found the real villain here. It's HAL.
-Wait....what did Oaf just say? He wants a hot canadian girlfriend? Why would you want that? Why are we talking about Canada again!?
-We're halfway through the movie and I don't give a rat's ass about the plot anymore.
-Ladies and Gentlemen, I just witnessed a coffee machine turn into a robot and start slicing things.
-THE BIG SHOCKER: Zach Galafaghklsgjlf lied to the guinea pigs! They're not genetically engineered! They're normal! Oh noes!
-Commander found out he was the runt and now he feels insignificant. But whatever. It's not like he's talking and going on spy missions or anything. ugh. This underdog thing is NOT working at all! He's not an underdog! None of them are!
-Ok...one of the guinea pigs went to WEST POINT. Case closed.
-I swear to god if there's another fart joke....
-There is no way those agents survived that horrific crash into an RV. But they did.
-Now we're back to questioning who Latina Tease likes better. There was no conclusion on this matter.
-HE PUSHED THE BUTTON! OH GOD! THE SATELLITES ARE MOVING! SOMETHING ABOUT A VIRUS.
-All the kitchen appliances are turning into a....a......a transformer?
-All the women died. Or so I assume. They're the only ones who are in the kitchen with those killer appliances.
-Oaf is in the microwave. Yeah. No one wants to see him explode.
-WTF I didn't see that coming at all! The evil business partner was Mole! That does not fit his character at all. Maybe it's his cousin? Seriously. They're just throwing that crap out there like it all fits together BUT IT DOESN'T.  F*** you G-Force.
-oh ok so we should have seen that because the business partner's name was Japanese for "mole". Ugh. Thanks for making me feel like a stupid American. Jerks.
-How much you want to bet Oaf saves the day?
- "We're your family!" is the lamest argument ever considering Mole's real family was kinda exterminated and that's why he wants to kill everyone with kitchen appliances...but I guess Mole bought it. Now he's back to being the quiet, reserved, docile... nerdy geek. I think he's bipolar.
-Oaf appears to be dead. That cake is awfully close to his head. Any minute now he's gonna pop back to life like a Hun in the snow. Yep. He's alive.
-THE THRILLING CONCLUSION: They all get badges. Loose metaphor about family.
- a dance party starts.... I'm done with this movie.

I was going to draw pictures for this...but this movie doesn't deserve my art. I'm also really irritated that I wasted time on this. Even Beverly Hills Chihuahuas was better than this.

~AM